Saturday, November 28, 2009
the dreaded 2 week wait
I guess it's about a week and a half wait now hehe ;] It's the time between when you ovulate and when you are supposed to start your cycle. Most women who are trying to conceive understand what I'm talking about! Time to just wait and see if this month is the month, or if we get to try again next month. I will be posting again about the results of my 2 week wait :]
Thursday, November 26, 2009
One Year
It has been a year since Derek and I decided to have another baby... and still no baby. I'm surprisingly OK with this day. I have become more at peace with not being pregnant and not having another child. I'm enjoying Owen more and more each day and appreciating him as an only child. He is truly a blessing and only God knows if he is meant to be a big brother, and when. So, today I'm thankful for him and Derek... they keep me going and show me how great God is :)
Friday, November 20, 2009
Today I'm feeling way better... I love days like today! Days where I see the brighter side of things. Like the fact that Owen is already 3 and by the time we have another baby he will be closer to 4, which in all honesty will be so nice! I will have a very handy helper and he should be able to dress himself... that will be a blessing! I'm keeping my chin up and am thinking of the good things about not having a baby just yet :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
it still hurts
It's been a little over 5 months since I lost my baby... there is a lot that goes through my mind each day. Things like I would be 32 weeks along, I would know if I were having a boy or a girl, I'd be showing and getting ready for some maternity pictures. My heart hurts when I think of these things, but it is hard to stop my mind from going there. Especially when I know over 20 girls who are pregnant right now. It's an insane number regardless of my loss, but in the midst of the healing I can't help but see these pregnant women as a reminder of what I don't have. It's tough... Each and every woman is amazing... they all deserve to be happy and have healthy babies, they're so fortunate and I am sure they all know they are. I become green with envy... just wanting what they have so badly. Keeping my eyes toward God is my focus during this journey, or should I say challenge. He knows when I will have a healthy pregnancy and it will be the perfect time. He won't give that to me until it is the right time. Patience has not been my strong point, but God for sure is teaching it to me now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
my journey...thus far
I've been thinking the last few days about starting this blog. It's more for myself than anything else really.
I wanted to keep a "journal" of my now year long journey to get pregnant with baby #2. This first post will be long since I will go over the last 11 months and all that has happened.
November 27Th 2008: Thanksgiving day. I decided to stop taking my birth control, for the reason that I was continuing to gain weight on it. Also, we wanted to have a baby. We thought it may take a few months so getting off earlier would be best.
December 31st 2008: I started my cycle, with the worst cramps I've ever had. I was in a ball at the top of my stairs wishing it'd all go away. For the next 25 days I continued to bleed on and off. Around day 20, I decided to call my Dr and see what was going on. They had me take a home pregnancy test and it came up positive... I didn't want to get excited for the reasons that I had been bleeding on and off had given me the idea that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. We went in for an ultrasound and they found nothing. Which could either meant that I was very early in a pregnancy or I had miscarried. So we did some blood work and they checked my hcg levels. They had me come in the following Monday and check them again. I got a call that Tuesday while I was at work letting me know that for sure it was a miscarriage. First blow...
We weren't told to wait so we continued to try for the next couple of months.
May 5Th 2009: Derek and I got home the day before from my birthday trip to Las Vegas. I was supposed to start my cycle that morning and decided to take a home pregnancy test. This time it was positive!!! I was so excited and told Derek, my mom and sister all right away! We had a due date of January 12Th, 2010. It made me happy to know I wasn't going to have a brand new baby during the holidays and it would be a great gift for the new year.
June 12Th 2009: I had my first OB appointment with my new OBGYN. I am planning on doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and I was nervous to meet her. Derek took the day off to see the first ultrasound (since he missed Owen's first u/s). I got all checked in, they took my blood pressure, weight and did a urine sample. Next the Dr came in and talked to me about the pregnancy and what brought me to her. I told her about the VBAC and how I found her on the ICAN website. She was sure after a pelvic exam (and knowing how big Owen was!) that I could do a vaginal birth no problem! Next was the ultrasound... I was so excited! I had a small screen I could see and Derek had a view of the big screen. As I saw the baby, I just felt so happy... and then the Dr wasn't saying anything. I got a bit scared, and then she showed me an area of black inside my uterus which was all blood. The baby wasn't moving and didn't have a heartbeat. I was also only measuring at 8 1/2 weeks when I was 9 weeks along at that time. So, sometime in the previous week I had lost the baby. I just couldn't help but sob and sob... I had waited so long for this and now it was taken from me.
That afternoon we were scheduled for a D&C at the hospital. We went from the Dr's office to the hospital and had another ultrasound with a better machine to make sure that what the Dr had seen was correct. And unfortunately she was right. So, we checked into the same day surgery center and went on with the day.
At about 3pm they wheeled me into the OR. I was scared to say the least and just cried... they took me in and put me under and started the procedure. I awoke during the D&C and was crying because it hurt so bad. The anesthesiologist gave me more stuff to put me back to sleep and I woke up in the recovery room.
I've never gone through anything this hard in my entire life. I can't believe I got through it. It's been hard, but with God and my very understanding family I'm still coping.
Over the next couple of months a lot of people announced their pregnancies, and I couldn't help but be envious and happy for them at the same time. They all deserve happy healthy babies, but I wanted one too.
October 13Th 2009: I was 5 days late for my cycle and I decided to take a home pregnancy test. It came up positive!!!! I was ecstatic and took a shower and thanked God for a healthy pregnancy in advance... then 30 minutes later I started to bleed. I was scared. I didn't want to go through another miscarriage and called my Dr right away. They had me come in to take a blood sample. They called later that afternoon and my HCG levels were at 1, which they consider to be like a 0.... no pregnant which means no miscarriage. Which was good news there, but so sad that once again we weren't pregnant.
Now for today... I'm about to that "fertile" point in this month and I can't help but count days and want to try again. Everyone says "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant"... that is hard to just stop trying! I can't help but know that about 14 days after my cycle starts I'm going to be ovulating. So, I guess we will just be "trying" again.
I'm hoping and praying for a healthy pregnancy soon, but God only knows when he will bless us with this precious gift. I'm keeping my head high and my spirits up. What I've gone through has been a tough road to say the least, but there are people who have gone through worse.
I'm going to continue this blog as our journey continues through each month and hopefully into a pregnancy. I want to look back and remember all that I have gone through for a baby.
I wanted to keep a "journal" of my now year long journey to get pregnant with baby #2. This first post will be long since I will go over the last 11 months and all that has happened.
November 27Th 2008: Thanksgiving day. I decided to stop taking my birth control, for the reason that I was continuing to gain weight on it. Also, we wanted to have a baby. We thought it may take a few months so getting off earlier would be best.
December 31st 2008: I started my cycle, with the worst cramps I've ever had. I was in a ball at the top of my stairs wishing it'd all go away. For the next 25 days I continued to bleed on and off. Around day 20, I decided to call my Dr and see what was going on. They had me take a home pregnancy test and it came up positive... I didn't want to get excited for the reasons that I had been bleeding on and off had given me the idea that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. We went in for an ultrasound and they found nothing. Which could either meant that I was very early in a pregnancy or I had miscarried. So we did some blood work and they checked my hcg levels. They had me come in the following Monday and check them again. I got a call that Tuesday while I was at work letting me know that for sure it was a miscarriage. First blow...
We weren't told to wait so we continued to try for the next couple of months.
May 5Th 2009: Derek and I got home the day before from my birthday trip to Las Vegas. I was supposed to start my cycle that morning and decided to take a home pregnancy test. This time it was positive!!! I was so excited and told Derek, my mom and sister all right away! We had a due date of January 12Th, 2010. It made me happy to know I wasn't going to have a brand new baby during the holidays and it would be a great gift for the new year.
June 12Th 2009: I had my first OB appointment with my new OBGYN. I am planning on doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and I was nervous to meet her. Derek took the day off to see the first ultrasound (since he missed Owen's first u/s). I got all checked in, they took my blood pressure, weight and did a urine sample. Next the Dr came in and talked to me about the pregnancy and what brought me to her. I told her about the VBAC and how I found her on the ICAN website. She was sure after a pelvic exam (and knowing how big Owen was!) that I could do a vaginal birth no problem! Next was the ultrasound... I was so excited! I had a small screen I could see and Derek had a view of the big screen. As I saw the baby, I just felt so happy... and then the Dr wasn't saying anything. I got a bit scared, and then she showed me an area of black inside my uterus which was all blood. The baby wasn't moving and didn't have a heartbeat. I was also only measuring at 8 1/2 weeks when I was 9 weeks along at that time. So, sometime in the previous week I had lost the baby. I just couldn't help but sob and sob... I had waited so long for this and now it was taken from me.
That afternoon we were scheduled for a D&C at the hospital. We went from the Dr's office to the hospital and had another ultrasound with a better machine to make sure that what the Dr had seen was correct. And unfortunately she was right. So, we checked into the same day surgery center and went on with the day.
At about 3pm they wheeled me into the OR. I was scared to say the least and just cried... they took me in and put me under and started the procedure. I awoke during the D&C and was crying because it hurt so bad. The anesthesiologist gave me more stuff to put me back to sleep and I woke up in the recovery room.
I've never gone through anything this hard in my entire life. I can't believe I got through it. It's been hard, but with God and my very understanding family I'm still coping.
Over the next couple of months a lot of people announced their pregnancies, and I couldn't help but be envious and happy for them at the same time. They all deserve happy healthy babies, but I wanted one too.
October 13Th 2009: I was 5 days late for my cycle and I decided to take a home pregnancy test. It came up positive!!!! I was ecstatic and took a shower and thanked God for a healthy pregnancy in advance... then 30 minutes later I started to bleed. I was scared. I didn't want to go through another miscarriage and called my Dr right away. They had me come in to take a blood sample. They called later that afternoon and my HCG levels were at 1, which they consider to be like a 0.... no pregnant which means no miscarriage. Which was good news there, but so sad that once again we weren't pregnant.
Now for today... I'm about to that "fertile" point in this month and I can't help but count days and want to try again. Everyone says "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant"... that is hard to just stop trying! I can't help but know that about 14 days after my cycle starts I'm going to be ovulating. So, I guess we will just be "trying" again.
I'm hoping and praying for a healthy pregnancy soon, but God only knows when he will bless us with this precious gift. I'm keeping my head high and my spirits up. What I've gone through has been a tough road to say the least, but there are people who have gone through worse.
I'm going to continue this blog as our journey continues through each month and hopefully into a pregnancy. I want to look back and remember all that I have gone through for a baby.
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