Monday, June 14, 2010
12 months later...
here I am. One year after the big miscarriage. I've done a lot of crying and screaming. I can honestly say I didn't think I would be as upset as I was one year ago. I'm so frustrated with my body and the fact that there has been 2 more miscarriages since... I can't even begin to explain the disappointment I feel. I can look people in the eye and tell them how I know it's for the best and I can't imagine moving to Hawaii pregnant or with a small baby and I've gotten really good at telling this lie. The truth is that my entire being aches to have more kids. I don't care when, where or how, I just love being a mom, Derek is such an amazing dad and I know Owen will be the best big brother... I'm taking the crib apart my mom bought before this miscarriage and I am fighting with so many emotions... part of me feels like this will be the last time I will ever see it up, and part of me is daydreaming of that little miracle that may be in it one day. I can't help but lean toward the negative and I hate that about myself. I hate that I still think about the miscarriages everyday and I hate that I feel I burden people with my emotions. There are a few new babies that have been born and a few girls who've announced their pregnancy and I can't help but twinge with envy... it's so hard. I wish someone understood how I feel.
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