Not this time...

I started my cycle today... ironically just after I finished putting the crib together in the spare room (for the little girl I watch). I am surprised at how not emotional I am. Thank GOD!!! I have finally just given him the control and am not stressing over the fact that I'm not pregnant this month. I'm ok with it... it's HIS timing and not mine. I don't have to take the progesterone until I ovulate again which will be nice to not have the headaches for 2 weeks... I'm praying that God keeps my spirits up and helps me to remember that I will have a baby when he wants us to have one.

One week

I've completed one whole week of taking Progesterone. I've been feeling pretty good considering, but I have had some serious sensitive teeth! Even breathing at times makes them ache... and yesterday I had a headache for 6 hours straight that wouldn't go away with tylenol (I'm trying to be careful with meds in case I'm pregnant) and it finally went away about 10:30 and I got to sleep. I am thankful I don't have the nausea or dizzyness a lot of women compain of. Anyways, about another week til we I can test.

Progesterone

So, today I started taking progesterone. I was told by my doctor to start taking progesterone 48 hours after I ovulated. By my BBT I ovulated on Monday, so today is the day. I am supposed to take it twice per day until I either start another cycle or reach 13 weeks in a pregnancy. It's a little scary... we're starting this whole process to not have a miscarriage and I'm praying so hard that it works. I have faith that we will have another baby, I know it will happen... All in a matter of time. I would LOVE for it to not take too long, but I do understand that it's all in God's timing. Here's to progesterone! ;]

two week wait

Well, here we go again! I just ended my fertile time and I'm hoping and praying that everything works out well this time. I've been praying non-stop it seems and I just want a healthy pregnancy. I am going to pick up some "baby" asprin tonight after Owen's rest-time is over. My doctor wants me to take this along with progesterone during the next pregnancy, so I'm starting now just in case. I have an appointment to see my doctor on the 20th to get the progesterone prescription... this is only 2 days after I'm supposed to start my next cycle (I'm hoping this cycle doesn't start!!!) So, anyone reading this, I am asking for a prayer... we want so badly to have more kids.

September

September is the month we get to start "trying" again. I have so many mixed emotions with this date quickly approaching. I am excited to possibly be pregnant with baby #2 and I'm scared to death that the progesterone and baby asprin won't work and I will have miscarriage #5. I am trying to stay excited so that I don't worry myself into a frenzy, but I can't help but think of how the last almost 2 years have gone. With starting in November 2008 and now here we are August 2010...

I am trying to take the time I have while in Hawaii, to get into shape and treat my body well. I want to get my body ready for a baby and give it the proper home it deserves. Also, giving myself a bit of confidence. I have been running about 3 miles a day 5 days a week and doing The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga at least 4 days a week and even though I've only lost 4.5 pounds, I'm feeling great. I can tell just by looking at myself in the mirror that I've lost inches and it makes me happy. I'm hoping that I can keep this routine up when we get home so that when I get pregnant I can stay in shape the whole time... Anyways, I just thought I'd share a few thoughts on here... I'm thankful for these types of outlets because you can get everything out, help others and meet some super great people ;]

12 months later...

here I am. One year after the big miscarriage. I've done a lot of crying and screaming. I can honestly say I didn't think I would be as upset as I was one year ago. I'm so frustrated with my body and the fact that there has been 2 more miscarriages since... I can't even begin to explain the disappointment I feel. I can look people in the eye and tell them how I know it's for the best and I can't imagine moving to Hawaii pregnant or with a small baby and I've gotten really good at telling this lie. The truth is that my entire being aches to have more kids. I don't care when, where or how, I just love being a mom, Derek is such an amazing dad and I know Owen will be the best big brother... I'm taking the crib apart my mom bought before this miscarriage and I am fighting with so many emotions... part of me feels like this will be the last time I will ever see it up, and part of me is daydreaming of that little miracle that may be in it one day. I can't help but lean toward the negative and I hate that about myself. I hate that I still think about the miscarriages everyday and I hate that I feel I burden people with my emotions. There are a few new babies that have been born and a few girls who've announced their pregnancy and I can't help but twinge with envy... it's so hard. I wish someone understood how I feel.

again?! seriously?!

It has happened again... miscarriage #4. Why? I just don't understand it... We did blood tests and I'm perfectly healthy, but for some reason I can't stay pregnant. Did I do something to not deserve more than the one child I have? I just wish this would stop happening. I am most sad that I can't give Derek another baby and Owen a sibling. I watch kids argue, play and love their parents together as siblings, and I'm so afraid that Owen will never have that. I have yet another appointment tomorrow to talk with the Dr. and hopefully we can try to figure it out... I'm just not all that optimistic.