So very thankful for this

This show has always been awesome! And this year it's been more than just fun for me to watch, it's been somewhat theraputic. Giuliana and Bill suffered a miscarriage after a long time trying to conceive and finally getting pregnant through IVF. My heart hurts for her, and I know all to well how she feels. I am thankful for this show because it is shedding light on a subject that has been in the dark for so long. NO one wants to talk about miscarriage... why?? And so with this season and all that they're going through as a couple so publicly, it has helpedme with my own journey to our baby... Thank you Giuliana and Bill Rancic.

no one

I am completely exhuasted... emotionally and physically. I cried most of the night last night. Another person is pregnant and once again it isn't me. I am happy for this person because I know how much she wants it. I hate that this side of me comes out... I wish I could just sit back and not stress. But when this has been my focus for 2 years now, how can I not stress? No one really understands fully... and those people who I talk to are very obviously sick and tired of me hurting. So, I guess I will have to pour out my feelings here?? It kinda sucks going through all this and now going through it alone.

I thought I was fine with not being pregnant and this always hits me like a ton of bricks when another person gets pregnant. I cried most of the evening and because of the response I got to my pain, I didn't even tell Derek how upset I am. I don't want to bore people with it... so here I write... no one really reads this besides me anyways...

Oh, what a morning!

I tossed and turned all night... my hips hurt so bad laying on either side and I can't fall asleep on my back, so needless to say I got very little sleep. I woke up to cramps and a horrid headache. I got up and used the restroom.... I started my cycle (another great part to my morning! *said sarcastically) When I went to go put my make up on, I noticed my right eye was swollen... even better! I'm just ready for this day to be over and it just started! Ugh!

Thanks kid!

Today the girl I watch, Laney, told me she loved her whole family... Super cute right?? Owen said "I love my family too!", and then she proceeded to say "but you don't have a baby..." really? Like I didn't know... thanks kid! haha!

OPK

I did it... I broke down and bought an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) this cycle! I feel like it gives me a better idea and a better warning as to when I ovulate than say if I were to just be charting my temperature or checking for signs. I have gotten pregnant before using them, so I have a feeling they're worth it. So, now we wait... 2 weeks. Tomorrow I start progesterone again. I am honestly not looking forward to that. I hate the horrendous headaches that it gives me, but I guess if that's what I have to go through for a healthy pregnancy, then so be it!

JBF sale

Today I went to the Just Between Friends sale at the fairgrounds. It's a huge consignment sale for baby and kid stuff. I went of course to pick up some super cheap clothes for Owen. I ended up grabbing a bouncy seat and a tummy time play mat for that future baby we hope to have. After miscarriage #3 I sold everything besides my crib and changing table. I couldn't look at it anymore and it was an act of healing I needed to do. So, now I'm gonna have to get new stuff which hopefully will be fun while I'm pregnant.

It was hard to see all of the mom's with teeny babies or that were pregnant. Obviously I was envious... I was in front of a mom in line who had 2 very unruly kids. They were going all over the place and she just didn't make them sit in her very expensive double stroller. They kept fighting and the older child bit the younger child SUPER hard! I mean I even saw his head kinda shake cause he was biting so hard... she did nothing!!!!! I wanted to yell right then and there. And to top it all off, she's pregnant with a 3rd! Doesn't always work out like that? The ones who don't parent get all the kids.... ugh!

When I was thinking of a title for this post, I just couldn't... how do you sum up my feelings today? Well, I'm tired and just want to lay in bed. I'm sure it's a little bit of depression pushing me in that direction. I am envious of the girls I know who are pregnant. I want so badly to have more kids (as I've expressed a million times!)... I know my time will come, it is just hard to sit back and watch the days and years go by. Next month it will be 2 years since I decided to stop taking birth control and have another baby. I was sure it'd be easy because Owen was such a shock... guess I was wrong. Maybe this cycle I will get pregnant, maybe I will the following or the next etc. Who knows? I think that's the hardest part is just not knowing when it will take place. I know I have to have faith and know that God is taking care of this situation for us. I just can't help but be sad...

I have a group of friends who I met right after I had Owen. We had a mom and baby group at the hospital and we became great friends. Over the last year and a half to 2 years, each girl has had a second child and I'm sure some may even be thinking of a 3rd. We're supposed to get together on Tuesday and I miss them so much! As much as I want to see them, I feel like I don't have much in common with them anymore. I'm the one with one child... the one who has misscarried 4 times, I'm the one who no one understands. It's rough... I am fighting back tears as I write this (simply because there are kids around me) Lord please comfort me during this time and give me your peace that passes all understanding!