What I needed...

I get a lot irritated at people who gripe about their pregnancies on facebook. I just want to scream at them! "I hate that I can't sleep, this baby keeps moving" (well, if it wasn't moving then something would be wrong, rejoice that your baby is alive!) "I have back pain, my belly is too big" (you have a growing baby in you... what do you expect??) "I can't do anything fun because I'm pregnant" (well, if you see it as a burden then why are you having kids??) These are just a few of the complaints I want to scream at. I know many girls who would kill to lead a boring life, with a baby moving inside them and to feel the pains of pregnancy. I am one... I would love to be growing huge, and kept awake... all to have that amazing gift at the end!



Ok... enough of the complaints from my end ;] I went to my cousins, Isaiah and Gavin's birthday yesterday. My other cousin Torri was there with her little guy, Braxton, who is almost 4 months old. I snatched him right up and snuggled him for a couple hours... he slept on me, I got to feed him and just talk to him. It totally reminded me of why I'm doing everything I am to have a baby. I still have it in me to take care of a little one and my desire is stronger than ever to have another one. Owen kept coming up to Braxton and talking to him... he's so sweet with babies, and I know he'll be an awesome big brother. I know God has a plan, he knows when this will all happen and I'm just taking it one day at a time... but yesterday was what I needed... I needed a sweet baby to snuggle.

Realization

I had a realization last night while on the phone with Derek. Every girl that I know who was trying to get pregnant, is... all but me. I am overly happy for all of them and excited to meet their sweet babies, but I can't help but be envious. It brought me into a bit of depression, which I HATE! I wish Derek was home so that I wasn't alone. Instead, I took the second to last oxycodone from my D&C and went to sleep. Without it, I would've been up tossing and turning and of course it helped with the cramps too. I totally get why people get addicted to pain pills... it just numbs your mind... I still felt cramps, but my mind was totally blank, it was nice to just not think for a while. Now, no one get alarmed... there is NO WAY I would ever be an addict.

day 2

Just like I thought, I started my cycle yesterday... woke up at 4am with cramps that brought tears to my eyes and I was up for an hour with them. I've never been woken up by cramps in my life! I have had cramps this bad, almost 2 years ago when I was having my first miscarriage without even knowing. Well, looks like my chances to get pregnant in 2010 are over... I'm praying that 2011 is our year... our family's year...

Eat, Pray, Love

I'm like 10 minutes into this movie and this quote comes along "Having a baby is kinda like getting a tattoo on your face... you have to be fully committed to it" I laughed out loud!!!! It's so true...

day 30

I was supposed to start my cycle yesterday and I didn't. I didn't test either... I woke up at 3 having to use the restroom, so I knew I wouldn't have enough pee to test. Plus I had BFN on Friday (early, but discouraging none the less). So, I was sure I would wake up to my cycle this morning when I woke up to some very painful hips... and nothing. Didn't test again though, mainly because I had a .5 dip in my bbt this morning and that indicates that my cycle will rear it's ugly head most likely sometime today...

meant for me

This morning we went to church to see Laney and Boston get dedicated. We normally go on Saturday nights, but since they had their dedication we went to the 9am service. I tell you, I was meant to be there... that word was meant for me. During worship, I wept... I haven't done that in years! I just worshiped and felt God's presence... it was more than needed. The word was about miracles. What is the miracle you need and where will you be a miracle? I definitely need a miracle, and I know I need to be a miracle to others. Afterwards, I went up for individual prayer (honestly, something I've been putting off because I was sure praying on my own was enough) this family needs a miracle. Once again I was crying. Thank God for the woman praying for me and for those 2 sweet souls in the back in prayer beside me. You two are more than I deserve... you're meant to be my miracle!

I'm looking for a change... I mean BIG change in my life. HUGE...