Don't give up

Today I hosted, along with my mom, my cousin's sprinkle. A sprinkle is a party for a second baby (or 3rd etc.) instead of showering the mom to be with gifts we sprinkle her with diapers, wipes and clothes. Since she should have all of the basic stuff for a baby she will just need a little "sprinkling" ;] Anyways, it went so well! So many people made it out and I was really happy with how everything turned out. I am hoping my cousin Tarah posts the photos soon so I can share them! Cindy got a ton of super cute clothes for Miss Payton, who is due next month, and lots of diapers and wipes! I'm so glad we did this for her... she's such a great mom and she deserved to be spoiled for the day.

Cindy and I have an unfortunate connection... she has had a few miscarriages also. She had hers before her son Wyatt and all we blighted ovums. She has been such a sweetheart and has been very supportive to me throughout this whole process. If you had told me that when we got older, she and I would be close I would've just scoffed at you... Thank God for this girl! Her and I got to talking about the miscarriages and I of course started crying (thankfully after everyone was gone!) and she just kept hugging me and telling me to not be discouraged and to not give up... she didn't and now she's on baby #2. I was on the way to giving up completely, and I just can't. I know God wants to give me new hope... new hope for what he will do in my life. I am going to not give up... Thank you to Cindy for just being that silent strength I needed today.

do I throw in the towel?

As I sit here with cramps... (hopefully not tmi) I wonder if having another baby is even meant for me. I know that Owen will be enough for me if that's the case. But, I guess I'm waiting for God to either say "yes" or "no". We've been trying again for 4 months... in our 26 month journey we've gotten nowhere. I've gotten to a point where I don't want to deal with the heartache anymore. I don't want to have the monthly disappointment. It's hard... I'm waiting for God to speak to me and tell me what I need to do.

No Matter What!

BFN

Yep, another one. I saw a dip in my BBT today and I knew that the test would most likely be negative, but took on for the heck of it. I'm getting used to seeing just one line, which in all honesty is easier to handle these days than seeing a positive. It scares me to think I may see two lines... most people would jump for joy. I for one become terrified, but that stems from everything I've been through. The last 4 times I've had a positive test, it's ended in miscarriage. So, as much as I want to be pregnant and have a baby, I'm scared at the same time. Thank God that I've become less emotional with each negative test. I know my time will come... maybe not now, maybe not even in 2011, maybe not until 2016... I just don't know and I've accepted that.

why do I doubt?

I always stress about money and life in general... I have to know by now that God provides and always takes care of us! Once again he came through with just enough money to get bills paid and through to the next week. He's amazing!!! Why do I doubt him???

having a day

I'm super tired... sick and I have 3 kids who won't listen to a word I say today. I just want to quit. Say I'm done and walk upstairs and take a nap, but that's not possible. These darn progesterone pills make me tired, and cranky, so that doesn't help one bit! This isn't exactly where I saw myself... watching other people's kids. I love these kids, but it's not easy sometimes. I miss the days in Hawaii where it was just me and Owen. I got so much done and I could just watch some tv, put on a movie for Owen and have quiet time. The only quiet time I get is nap time. When Owen was a baby my house was spotless! And when I didn't have the kids during Christmas break, I had everything caught up. Ugh, it's just one of those days where everything kinda piles up and I hate life in general lol! Ask me tomorrow and I may be having a blast watching the kids! haha!

New Year

So this new year is well welcomed. I can't say that 2010 was a bad year... I only had one miscarriage (huge drop since 3 in 2009), we were employed the whole year, we are all healthy and for goodness sakes we got to live in HAWAII!!!! I can't say it was a bad year after that ;]

This year I'm looking forward to warmer weather here in WA (it was 15 degress driving home last night!), Owen finishing his first year of preschool, a new niece or nephew and lots of amazing memories with friends and family. I don't have a resolution... I don't want to set myself up for failure and get down on myself for not following through (which I am so good at). The last 2 years I have had a goal of getting pregnant or having a baby that year... I don't want to have that goal simply to not be heart broken at the end of the year. So, instead I'm focusing on what is here now... my husband, son, friends and family. Happy New Year everyone!!!