I'm glad to see 2009 come to an end.

Man, I was hoping that my next post was going to announce my pregnancy, and a baby due in August. Well, that is until yesterday when I started having yet another miscarriage. We found out last Sunday, the 13Th that we were finally pregnant again. I didn't believe it at first and took a second test on Monday to make sure. It was positive again. We decided to not tell anyone, and just tell our families on Christmas. We started to think up cool and fun ways to tell them. Our last idea was to wrap up little onesies that said "arriving Summer 2010". Yesterday morning, Derek and Owen were driving me to church to work the 11:30 service in the Nursery. I felt a bit of cramping and didn't know if it was digestive or bad cramping. I decided when I got to church to go to the bathroom just in case, and I had started bleeding. I immediately called Derek... cried outside of church and just wanted to run away. But, I had to stay and help out where I had committed myself to. So, I sucked it up and went in. I felt a huge relief when my friend Renee walked in with her little boy Boston (who I watch on a regular basis). I knew that Boston would snuggle with me and in a way comfort my pains. I love that little guy and his big sister and it was like God knew I needed him to be there to keep my mind off of what was going on inside of me. I was in a lot of pain and held up through the whole service. Derek picked me up after church and I broke down... I didn't think it would happen for a 3rd time this year and I am so disappointed.

Today, I called my Dr's office to see where I need to go from here. I had my first OB appointment set for January 8Th (4 days before my due date of the last miscarriage) and we're now keeping that appointment to talk with the Dr about why I've had so many miscarriages and to hopefully get me into a specialist. I can't even begin to describe how I feel... it's a bit of emptiness, anger, sadness, and guilt.

For some reason,

I just feel like crying... I looked at a friend's pictures who is having baby #2 and I just got all emotional. I felt bad that Owen isn't a big brother yet, and that I haven't been able to give him the joy (and pain) of a younger sibling... just saddens me today.