Blessed

I feel amazingly blessed right now. I got a call from a friend to see how I was doing with the announcement of my sisters pregnancy. I didn't do too well with the initial announcement in early Dec. (it happens with every pregnancy announcement... a bit of depression along with envy) but now I'm really excited. It was just too sweet of her to check on me... she had some difficulty getting pregnant with her 2nd (miscarriages and a tubal pregnancy) and she knows exactly how I feel. I thank God for her!

niece or nephew??

Well, the cat's out of the bag! My sister is pregnant and expecting her first in August 2011! I'm excited to get to experience the whole Aunt thing... She's 2 years older and I got married and had a baby first, so she's a pro at being an aunt lol! My oldest sister has 2 kids, but has lived in either San Diego or Idaho, so I don't get to be an active aunt. I'm excited to spoil a sweet little one!

Ugh

As I write this, Derek is on his way to Oregon for work this week... an guess who hasn't ovulated yet?? THIS GIRL! Kinda frustrating really... I'm trying to tell myself that if I don't get pregnant, then it's just not our time, but sheesh! I'm kinda bummed... we may not have a September baby and we'll be one more month closer to having babies exactly 5 years apart.

Christmas is over!

I must admit that I'm a little sad it's all over. We had so much fun and were blessed with lots of great times with great family. Owen made out with so many presents and he was spun up from all the excitement! I am hoping to get all the decorations packed up and get this house clean. I just need my sons energy to do it all, cause I'm exhausted!

I am looking forward to the new year... 2011 is going to be a good one, I can feel it! This time last year we were dealing with our 3rd miscarriage and having to replace the transmission on our 2006 Escape. I am thankful that this year we were blessed to have no heartbreak or car troubles at Christmas-time. I also can't help but think we were supposed to have a brand new baby this month... I'm not too sad, thankfully, but it is still something I think about. The good thing is that I haven't been pregnant for 9 months now and we haven't had another miscarriage, so I will focus on that! Last night we went to Morton for our annual family bon fire/pot luck. I got to love on my cousin Braxton again, and it my baby fever wasn't high enough, Derek wanted to hold him and play with him. It hurts my heart more knowing that he wants a baby just as bad, if not worse than I do. My cousin Stacey couldn't have said it better though... it's just not our time... it will happen when it's the right time. No, this doesn't take the pain away, but it helps knowing God has a bigger plan for us.

I hope every one had a great Christmas and got as spoiled as I did!!! ;]

a rough day

Once again, I'm left with this horrible feeling... this time I'm not the one who lost a baby. It was a friend of mine. She's worked so hard and put so much effort, prayers and money into conceiving this baby... and only to lose it. It breaks my heart. I have cried for her and then find myself feeling all of the same emotions I get when I have a miscarriage. I doubt God, I get mad, and lose any gumption I once had. I don't want to lose faith that God can and will do amazing things for both of us, but with this being her second miscarriage and with me having 4... I feel like almost all faith is lost. Why?? She's an amazing person who deserves all of the babies she wants and she's had 2 so horribly taken from her! It just makes me angry...

What I needed...

I get a lot irritated at people who gripe about their pregnancies on facebook. I just want to scream at them! "I hate that I can't sleep, this baby keeps moving" (well, if it wasn't moving then something would be wrong, rejoice that your baby is alive!) "I have back pain, my belly is too big" (you have a growing baby in you... what do you expect??) "I can't do anything fun because I'm pregnant" (well, if you see it as a burden then why are you having kids??) These are just a few of the complaints I want to scream at. I know many girls who would kill to lead a boring life, with a baby moving inside them and to feel the pains of pregnancy. I am one... I would love to be growing huge, and kept awake... all to have that amazing gift at the end!



Ok... enough of the complaints from my end ;] I went to my cousins, Isaiah and Gavin's birthday yesterday. My other cousin Torri was there with her little guy, Braxton, who is almost 4 months old. I snatched him right up and snuggled him for a couple hours... he slept on me, I got to feed him and just talk to him. It totally reminded me of why I'm doing everything I am to have a baby. I still have it in me to take care of a little one and my desire is stronger than ever to have another one. Owen kept coming up to Braxton and talking to him... he's so sweet with babies, and I know he'll be an awesome big brother. I know God has a plan, he knows when this will all happen and I'm just taking it one day at a time... but yesterday was what I needed... I needed a sweet baby to snuggle.

Realization

I had a realization last night while on the phone with Derek. Every girl that I know who was trying to get pregnant, is... all but me. I am overly happy for all of them and excited to meet their sweet babies, but I can't help but be envious. It brought me into a bit of depression, which I HATE! I wish Derek was home so that I wasn't alone. Instead, I took the second to last oxycodone from my D&C and went to sleep. Without it, I would've been up tossing and turning and of course it helped with the cramps too. I totally get why people get addicted to pain pills... it just numbs your mind... I still felt cramps, but my mind was totally blank, it was nice to just not think for a while. Now, no one get alarmed... there is NO WAY I would ever be an addict.

day 2

Just like I thought, I started my cycle yesterday... woke up at 4am with cramps that brought tears to my eyes and I was up for an hour with them. I've never been woken up by cramps in my life! I have had cramps this bad, almost 2 years ago when I was having my first miscarriage without even knowing. Well, looks like my chances to get pregnant in 2010 are over... I'm praying that 2011 is our year... our family's year...

Eat, Pray, Love

I'm like 10 minutes into this movie and this quote comes along "Having a baby is kinda like getting a tattoo on your face... you have to be fully committed to it" I laughed out loud!!!! It's so true...

day 30

I was supposed to start my cycle yesterday and I didn't. I didn't test either... I woke up at 3 having to use the restroom, so I knew I wouldn't have enough pee to test. Plus I had BFN on Friday (early, but discouraging none the less). So, I was sure I would wake up to my cycle this morning when I woke up to some very painful hips... and nothing. Didn't test again though, mainly because I had a .5 dip in my bbt this morning and that indicates that my cycle will rear it's ugly head most likely sometime today...

meant for me

This morning we went to church to see Laney and Boston get dedicated. We normally go on Saturday nights, but since they had their dedication we went to the 9am service. I tell you, I was meant to be there... that word was meant for me. During worship, I wept... I haven't done that in years! I just worshiped and felt God's presence... it was more than needed. The word was about miracles. What is the miracle you need and where will you be a miracle? I definitely need a miracle, and I know I need to be a miracle to others. Afterwards, I went up for individual prayer (honestly, something I've been putting off because I was sure praying on my own was enough) this family needs a miracle. Once again I was crying. Thank God for the woman praying for me and for those 2 sweet souls in the back in prayer beside me. You two are more than I deserve... you're meant to be my miracle!

I'm looking for a change... I mean BIG change in my life. HUGE...

day 24

Super uncomfy today... my back and hips hurt. I think I slept all weird last night. I'm hoping to feel better soon, maybe some yoga this afternoon will help with the joint pains.

Mr. Patsey

I just had to write a little about how much I LOVE my husband!!! Seriously... I can't get enough of that guy. He's always calm when I'm going crazy, funny when I'm sad and we always have fun... even if we're just hanging out at home. I was having a particularly emotional day on Monday and he was supposed to leave for Utah for work. He kept asking when I left to take Laney to school and I was wondering why. Well, he showed up to surprise us! I felt bad cause I was so upset, but he just hugged me while I cried and made me feel a million times better. He's just the greatest!

day 23

I have had one rough week... I wanted to not think about the possibility of being pregnant and boy have I been reminded that I'm not (that I know of). People who I thought would be there for me during everything... ups and downs just are sweeping me under the rug. I mean, I don't need to be doted on, but a little understanding would be nice. I've put myself and my struggles aside for so many friends and family who are pregnant or were pregnant over the last 2 years... attending baby showers, going to see babies when they're born, and even throwing showers/sprinkles. To be told I'm bitter and angry makes me just want to walk away. I don't expect people to fully understand or take pity on me... just a listening ear would be great.

On a more positive note, I am hoping to test on Monday... I am exhausted today, I'm not sure if it's from all the crying I did yesterday or something else?? ;] I'm also trying to get my rear to the gym more often and eat better... these progesterone pills have me packing on pounds. ugh. OH well, it will be more than worth it to have a successful pregnancy!

I've never felt so misunderstood.... I feel like no one understands... and like I'm being pushed away and passed on to something or some one else to deal with. I never thought I would be treated as if I am bitter or angry. YOU don't get it YOU will never understand and I feel like my explanation was a laugh to YOU.

a little emotional

Sheesh! I'm just a ball of tears waiting to explode today! I am doing a fairly good job keeping them in since I don't want a ton of questions from little ones. I am not sad either... just could cry over everything. I watched the finale of ANTM and about cried a million times... I'm going crazy I think lol!

On a different note, I started my progesterone today. I am honestly looking forward to it because I sleep so well when I take it! So, here's so an amazing 2 weeks of GREAT sleep!

better day

Today has been a better day... I enjoy days like today. Days where my spirits are up, my faith in God is high and I feel good with how things are going. There are so many times that I can forget how good I have life, and dwell on the little things that aren't perfect. I am truly blessed with an amazing husband, super great son, the best friends and awesome family... more than any girl could ask for!

Here's a little something a good friend of mine said on her blog that is standing out to me... (Yes, I'm reading past posts ;] )

"I will not doubt. God is bigger than me, He's bigger than infertility. I'm giving my worry and doubt to him. Especially for the next two weeks, while i wait anxiously."

I'm praying for this lovely woman and her journey with infertility... God is good and I know he will bless her!

2 years

2 years ago we decided to try for #2

when will I stop crying?
when will it stop hurting?
when will I be at peace?
how many more times can I fail?
when will it be my turn?

So very thankful for this

This show has always been awesome! And this year it's been more than just fun for me to watch, it's been somewhat theraputic. Giuliana and Bill suffered a miscarriage after a long time trying to conceive and finally getting pregnant through IVF. My heart hurts for her, and I know all to well how she feels. I am thankful for this show because it is shedding light on a subject that has been in the dark for so long. NO one wants to talk about miscarriage... why?? And so with this season and all that they're going through as a couple so publicly, it has helpedme with my own journey to our baby... Thank you Giuliana and Bill Rancic.

no one

I am completely exhuasted... emotionally and physically. I cried most of the night last night. Another person is pregnant and once again it isn't me. I am happy for this person because I know how much she wants it. I hate that this side of me comes out... I wish I could just sit back and not stress. But when this has been my focus for 2 years now, how can I not stress? No one really understands fully... and those people who I talk to are very obviously sick and tired of me hurting. So, I guess I will have to pour out my feelings here?? It kinda sucks going through all this and now going through it alone.

I thought I was fine with not being pregnant and this always hits me like a ton of bricks when another person gets pregnant. I cried most of the evening and because of the response I got to my pain, I didn't even tell Derek how upset I am. I don't want to bore people with it... so here I write... no one really reads this besides me anyways...

Oh, what a morning!

I tossed and turned all night... my hips hurt so bad laying on either side and I can't fall asleep on my back, so needless to say I got very little sleep. I woke up to cramps and a horrid headache. I got up and used the restroom.... I started my cycle (another great part to my morning! *said sarcastically) When I went to go put my make up on, I noticed my right eye was swollen... even better! I'm just ready for this day to be over and it just started! Ugh!

Thanks kid!

Today the girl I watch, Laney, told me she loved her whole family... Super cute right?? Owen said "I love my family too!", and then she proceeded to say "but you don't have a baby..." really? Like I didn't know... thanks kid! haha!

OPK

I did it... I broke down and bought an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) this cycle! I feel like it gives me a better idea and a better warning as to when I ovulate than say if I were to just be charting my temperature or checking for signs. I have gotten pregnant before using them, so I have a feeling they're worth it. So, now we wait... 2 weeks. Tomorrow I start progesterone again. I am honestly not looking forward to that. I hate the horrendous headaches that it gives me, but I guess if that's what I have to go through for a healthy pregnancy, then so be it!

JBF sale

Today I went to the Just Between Friends sale at the fairgrounds. It's a huge consignment sale for baby and kid stuff. I went of course to pick up some super cheap clothes for Owen. I ended up grabbing a bouncy seat and a tummy time play mat for that future baby we hope to have. After miscarriage #3 I sold everything besides my crib and changing table. I couldn't look at it anymore and it was an act of healing I needed to do. So, now I'm gonna have to get new stuff which hopefully will be fun while I'm pregnant.

It was hard to see all of the mom's with teeny babies or that were pregnant. Obviously I was envious... I was in front of a mom in line who had 2 very unruly kids. They were going all over the place and she just didn't make them sit in her very expensive double stroller. They kept fighting and the older child bit the younger child SUPER hard! I mean I even saw his head kinda shake cause he was biting so hard... she did nothing!!!!! I wanted to yell right then and there. And to top it all off, she's pregnant with a 3rd! Doesn't always work out like that? The ones who don't parent get all the kids.... ugh!

When I was thinking of a title for this post, I just couldn't... how do you sum up my feelings today? Well, I'm tired and just want to lay in bed. I'm sure it's a little bit of depression pushing me in that direction. I am envious of the girls I know who are pregnant. I want so badly to have more kids (as I've expressed a million times!)... I know my time will come, it is just hard to sit back and watch the days and years go by. Next month it will be 2 years since I decided to stop taking birth control and have another baby. I was sure it'd be easy because Owen was such a shock... guess I was wrong. Maybe this cycle I will get pregnant, maybe I will the following or the next etc. Who knows? I think that's the hardest part is just not knowing when it will take place. I know I have to have faith and know that God is taking care of this situation for us. I just can't help but be sad...

I have a group of friends who I met right after I had Owen. We had a mom and baby group at the hospital and we became great friends. Over the last year and a half to 2 years, each girl has had a second child and I'm sure some may even be thinking of a 3rd. We're supposed to get together on Tuesday and I miss them so much! As much as I want to see them, I feel like I don't have much in common with them anymore. I'm the one with one child... the one who has misscarried 4 times, I'm the one who no one understands. It's rough... I am fighting back tears as I write this (simply because there are kids around me) Lord please comfort me during this time and give me your peace that passes all understanding!

Not this time...

I started my cycle today... ironically just after I finished putting the crib together in the spare room (for the little girl I watch). I am surprised at how not emotional I am. Thank GOD!!! I have finally just given him the control and am not stressing over the fact that I'm not pregnant this month. I'm ok with it... it's HIS timing and not mine. I don't have to take the progesterone until I ovulate again which will be nice to not have the headaches for 2 weeks... I'm praying that God keeps my spirits up and helps me to remember that I will have a baby when he wants us to have one.

One week

I've completed one whole week of taking Progesterone. I've been feeling pretty good considering, but I have had some serious sensitive teeth! Even breathing at times makes them ache... and yesterday I had a headache for 6 hours straight that wouldn't go away with tylenol (I'm trying to be careful with meds in case I'm pregnant) and it finally went away about 10:30 and I got to sleep. I am thankful I don't have the nausea or dizzyness a lot of women compain of. Anyways, about another week til we I can test.

Progesterone

So, today I started taking progesterone. I was told by my doctor to start taking progesterone 48 hours after I ovulated. By my BBT I ovulated on Monday, so today is the day. I am supposed to take it twice per day until I either start another cycle or reach 13 weeks in a pregnancy. It's a little scary... we're starting this whole process to not have a miscarriage and I'm praying so hard that it works. I have faith that we will have another baby, I know it will happen... All in a matter of time. I would LOVE for it to not take too long, but I do understand that it's all in God's timing. Here's to progesterone! ;]

two week wait

Well, here we go again! I just ended my fertile time and I'm hoping and praying that everything works out well this time. I've been praying non-stop it seems and I just want a healthy pregnancy. I am going to pick up some "baby" asprin tonight after Owen's rest-time is over. My doctor wants me to take this along with progesterone during the next pregnancy, so I'm starting now just in case. I have an appointment to see my doctor on the 20th to get the progesterone prescription... this is only 2 days after I'm supposed to start my next cycle (I'm hoping this cycle doesn't start!!!) So, anyone reading this, I am asking for a prayer... we want so badly to have more kids.

September

September is the month we get to start "trying" again. I have so many mixed emotions with this date quickly approaching. I am excited to possibly be pregnant with baby #2 and I'm scared to death that the progesterone and baby asprin won't work and I will have miscarriage #5. I am trying to stay excited so that I don't worry myself into a frenzy, but I can't help but think of how the last almost 2 years have gone. With starting in November 2008 and now here we are August 2010...

I am trying to take the time I have while in Hawaii, to get into shape and treat my body well. I want to get my body ready for a baby and give it the proper home it deserves. Also, giving myself a bit of confidence. I have been running about 3 miles a day 5 days a week and doing The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga at least 4 days a week and even though I've only lost 4.5 pounds, I'm feeling great. I can tell just by looking at myself in the mirror that I've lost inches and it makes me happy. I'm hoping that I can keep this routine up when we get home so that when I get pregnant I can stay in shape the whole time... Anyways, I just thought I'd share a few thoughts on here... I'm thankful for these types of outlets because you can get everything out, help others and meet some super great people ;]

12 months later...

here I am. One year after the big miscarriage. I've done a lot of crying and screaming. I can honestly say I didn't think I would be as upset as I was one year ago. I'm so frustrated with my body and the fact that there has been 2 more miscarriages since... I can't even begin to explain the disappointment I feel. I can look people in the eye and tell them how I know it's for the best and I can't imagine moving to Hawaii pregnant or with a small baby and I've gotten really good at telling this lie. The truth is that my entire being aches to have more kids. I don't care when, where or how, I just love being a mom, Derek is such an amazing dad and I know Owen will be the best big brother... I'm taking the crib apart my mom bought before this miscarriage and I am fighting with so many emotions... part of me feels like this will be the last time I will ever see it up, and part of me is daydreaming of that little miracle that may be in it one day. I can't help but lean toward the negative and I hate that about myself. I hate that I still think about the miscarriages everyday and I hate that I feel I burden people with my emotions. There are a few new babies that have been born and a few girls who've announced their pregnancy and I can't help but twinge with envy... it's so hard. I wish someone understood how I feel.

again?! seriously?!

It has happened again... miscarriage #4. Why? I just don't understand it... We did blood tests and I'm perfectly healthy, but for some reason I can't stay pregnant. Did I do something to not deserve more than the one child I have? I just wish this would stop happening. I am most sad that I can't give Derek another baby and Owen a sibling. I watch kids argue, play and love their parents together as siblings, and I'm so afraid that Owen will never have that. I have yet another appointment tomorrow to talk with the Dr. and hopefully we can try to figure it out... I'm just not all that optimistic.

Do you have those blogs that you read, but really don't know who those people are? I know it sounds weird, but there are a few that I read... one I had come across just a little after my 2nd miscarriage. She had blogged about the baby she had just lost and I just felt for her, my heart sank when I read about it and I felt all of my emotions go to sorrow. I just checked in on it and found out that she's pregnant again! I feel this weird sense of happiness for someone I don't know and a little twinge of envy. I see so many women who have gone through a similar situation or have had trouble conceiving, go on to have great pregnancies and beautiful babies. I think it was the most hard when the babies that were due around the same time as my 2nd miscarriage were born. I just loved oogling all of their cuteness and at the same time I was sad...

once again this is just me rambling on some of my crazy emotions... I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I'm not. I have an amazing family and I love my son with all of my heart, I am enjoying his craziness every day :)

my test results

Last night I got a paper in the mail from my Dr. It was my results from the blood test taken last Friday. Everything is normal and I'm perfectly healthy. Which in a way settles my mind, but in other ways makes me more confused. I mean, if I'm one healthy girl and all of my body seems to be functioning normally, then why am I having so many miscarriages? What is going wrong? Am I just having bad luck or is it something I'm doing when I get pregnant? So, with all of this good news comes more uncertainty. I'm still terrified to get pregnant again in fear of losing yet another baby... but I don't want to give up the hope of having another child just yet either... ugh, this is so hard!

so it's my due date today

This took me by surprise today... I just looked at the date January 12th. And not a single emotion rose up in me. That really surprised me. I'm ok with it. I'm ok with not having a baby... God didn't intend on us having one now for whatever reasons. Today is just like any other day really... just going on with my day of taking care of the kids and reading my book for bible study tonight. Thank you God for helping me see passed this day as a bad day and letting me enjoy it!!!

what the dr says

I went to the Dr this afternoon to talk about what is going wrong with me. We just talked about the 3 miscarriages, and what could possibly be the problem. I will go in next week to get some blood work done. They will check my hormone levels and do some other tests, but he wants to make sure I've ovulated. I guess that after you ovulate, your body produces more progesterone. So, if that doesn't happen we will have to figure out some other reason why I've had so many miscarriages. He seems optimistic considering we have Owen already and he was a healthy pregnancy. As for me, I'm just not even entertaining the idea of having another baby... too much heartache in too little time for me to want it now. If it happens it happens, but I'm not "trying" anymore.