Blessed

I feel amazingly blessed right now. I got a call from a friend to see how I was doing with the announcement of my sisters pregnancy. I didn't do too well with the initial announcement in early Dec. (it happens with every pregnancy announcement... a bit of depression along with envy) but now I'm really excited. It was just too sweet of her to check on me... she had some difficulty getting pregnant with her 2nd (miscarriages and a tubal pregnancy) and she knows exactly how I feel. I thank God for her!

niece or nephew??

Well, the cat's out of the bag! My sister is pregnant and expecting her first in August 2011! I'm excited to get to experience the whole Aunt thing... She's 2 years older and I got married and had a baby first, so she's a pro at being an aunt lol! My oldest sister has 2 kids, but has lived in either San Diego or Idaho, so I don't get to be an active aunt. I'm excited to spoil a sweet little one!

Ugh

As I write this, Derek is on his way to Oregon for work this week... an guess who hasn't ovulated yet?? THIS GIRL! Kinda frustrating really... I'm trying to tell myself that if I don't get pregnant, then it's just not our time, but sheesh! I'm kinda bummed... we may not have a September baby and we'll be one more month closer to having babies exactly 5 years apart.

Christmas is over!

I must admit that I'm a little sad it's all over. We had so much fun and were blessed with lots of great times with great family. Owen made out with so many presents and he was spun up from all the excitement! I am hoping to get all the decorations packed up and get this house clean. I just need my sons energy to do it all, cause I'm exhausted!

I am looking forward to the new year... 2011 is going to be a good one, I can feel it! This time last year we were dealing with our 3rd miscarriage and having to replace the transmission on our 2006 Escape. I am thankful that this year we were blessed to have no heartbreak or car troubles at Christmas-time. I also can't help but think we were supposed to have a brand new baby this month... I'm not too sad, thankfully, but it is still something I think about. The good thing is that I haven't been pregnant for 9 months now and we haven't had another miscarriage, so I will focus on that! Last night we went to Morton for our annual family bon fire/pot luck. I got to love on my cousin Braxton again, and it my baby fever wasn't high enough, Derek wanted to hold him and play with him. It hurts my heart more knowing that he wants a baby just as bad, if not worse than I do. My cousin Stacey couldn't have said it better though... it's just not our time... it will happen when it's the right time. No, this doesn't take the pain away, but it helps knowing God has a bigger plan for us.

I hope every one had a great Christmas and got as spoiled as I did!!! ;]

a rough day

Once again, I'm left with this horrible feeling... this time I'm not the one who lost a baby. It was a friend of mine. She's worked so hard and put so much effort, prayers and money into conceiving this baby... and only to lose it. It breaks my heart. I have cried for her and then find myself feeling all of the same emotions I get when I have a miscarriage. I doubt God, I get mad, and lose any gumption I once had. I don't want to lose faith that God can and will do amazing things for both of us, but with this being her second miscarriage and with me having 4... I feel like almost all faith is lost. Why?? She's an amazing person who deserves all of the babies she wants and she's had 2 so horribly taken from her! It just makes me angry...

What I needed...

I get a lot irritated at people who gripe about their pregnancies on facebook. I just want to scream at them! "I hate that I can't sleep, this baby keeps moving" (well, if it wasn't moving then something would be wrong, rejoice that your baby is alive!) "I have back pain, my belly is too big" (you have a growing baby in you... what do you expect??) "I can't do anything fun because I'm pregnant" (well, if you see it as a burden then why are you having kids??) These are just a few of the complaints I want to scream at. I know many girls who would kill to lead a boring life, with a baby moving inside them and to feel the pains of pregnancy. I am one... I would love to be growing huge, and kept awake... all to have that amazing gift at the end!



Ok... enough of the complaints from my end ;] I went to my cousins, Isaiah and Gavin's birthday yesterday. My other cousin Torri was there with her little guy, Braxton, who is almost 4 months old. I snatched him right up and snuggled him for a couple hours... he slept on me, I got to feed him and just talk to him. It totally reminded me of why I'm doing everything I am to have a baby. I still have it in me to take care of a little one and my desire is stronger than ever to have another one. Owen kept coming up to Braxton and talking to him... he's so sweet with babies, and I know he'll be an awesome big brother. I know God has a plan, he knows when this will all happen and I'm just taking it one day at a time... but yesterday was what I needed... I needed a sweet baby to snuggle.

Realization

I had a realization last night while on the phone with Derek. Every girl that I know who was trying to get pregnant, is... all but me. I am overly happy for all of them and excited to meet their sweet babies, but I can't help but be envious. It brought me into a bit of depression, which I HATE! I wish Derek was home so that I wasn't alone. Instead, I took the second to last oxycodone from my D&C and went to sleep. Without it, I would've been up tossing and turning and of course it helped with the cramps too. I totally get why people get addicted to pain pills... it just numbs your mind... I still felt cramps, but my mind was totally blank, it was nice to just not think for a while. Now, no one get alarmed... there is NO WAY I would ever be an addict.

day 2

Just like I thought, I started my cycle yesterday... woke up at 4am with cramps that brought tears to my eyes and I was up for an hour with them. I've never been woken up by cramps in my life! I have had cramps this bad, almost 2 years ago when I was having my first miscarriage without even knowing. Well, looks like my chances to get pregnant in 2010 are over... I'm praying that 2011 is our year... our family's year...

Eat, Pray, Love

I'm like 10 minutes into this movie and this quote comes along "Having a baby is kinda like getting a tattoo on your face... you have to be fully committed to it" I laughed out loud!!!! It's so true...

day 30

I was supposed to start my cycle yesterday and I didn't. I didn't test either... I woke up at 3 having to use the restroom, so I knew I wouldn't have enough pee to test. Plus I had BFN on Friday (early, but discouraging none the less). So, I was sure I would wake up to my cycle this morning when I woke up to some very painful hips... and nothing. Didn't test again though, mainly because I had a .5 dip in my bbt this morning and that indicates that my cycle will rear it's ugly head most likely sometime today...

meant for me

This morning we went to church to see Laney and Boston get dedicated. We normally go on Saturday nights, but since they had their dedication we went to the 9am service. I tell you, I was meant to be there... that word was meant for me. During worship, I wept... I haven't done that in years! I just worshiped and felt God's presence... it was more than needed. The word was about miracles. What is the miracle you need and where will you be a miracle? I definitely need a miracle, and I know I need to be a miracle to others. Afterwards, I went up for individual prayer (honestly, something I've been putting off because I was sure praying on my own was enough) this family needs a miracle. Once again I was crying. Thank God for the woman praying for me and for those 2 sweet souls in the back in prayer beside me. You two are more than I deserve... you're meant to be my miracle!

I'm looking for a change... I mean BIG change in my life. HUGE...

day 24

Super uncomfy today... my back and hips hurt. I think I slept all weird last night. I'm hoping to feel better soon, maybe some yoga this afternoon will help with the joint pains.

Mr. Patsey

I just had to write a little about how much I LOVE my husband!!! Seriously... I can't get enough of that guy. He's always calm when I'm going crazy, funny when I'm sad and we always have fun... even if we're just hanging out at home. I was having a particularly emotional day on Monday and he was supposed to leave for Utah for work. He kept asking when I left to take Laney to school and I was wondering why. Well, he showed up to surprise us! I felt bad cause I was so upset, but he just hugged me while I cried and made me feel a million times better. He's just the greatest!

day 23

I have had one rough week... I wanted to not think about the possibility of being pregnant and boy have I been reminded that I'm not (that I know of). People who I thought would be there for me during everything... ups and downs just are sweeping me under the rug. I mean, I don't need to be doted on, but a little understanding would be nice. I've put myself and my struggles aside for so many friends and family who are pregnant or were pregnant over the last 2 years... attending baby showers, going to see babies when they're born, and even throwing showers/sprinkles. To be told I'm bitter and angry makes me just want to walk away. I don't expect people to fully understand or take pity on me... just a listening ear would be great.

On a more positive note, I am hoping to test on Monday... I am exhausted today, I'm not sure if it's from all the crying I did yesterday or something else?? ;] I'm also trying to get my rear to the gym more often and eat better... these progesterone pills have me packing on pounds. ugh. OH well, it will be more than worth it to have a successful pregnancy!

I've never felt so misunderstood.... I feel like no one understands... and like I'm being pushed away and passed on to something or some one else to deal with. I never thought I would be treated as if I am bitter or angry. YOU don't get it YOU will never understand and I feel like my explanation was a laugh to YOU.

a little emotional

Sheesh! I'm just a ball of tears waiting to explode today! I am doing a fairly good job keeping them in since I don't want a ton of questions from little ones. I am not sad either... just could cry over everything. I watched the finale of ANTM and about cried a million times... I'm going crazy I think lol!

On a different note, I started my progesterone today. I am honestly looking forward to it because I sleep so well when I take it! So, here's so an amazing 2 weeks of GREAT sleep!

better day

Today has been a better day... I enjoy days like today. Days where my spirits are up, my faith in God is high and I feel good with how things are going. There are so many times that I can forget how good I have life, and dwell on the little things that aren't perfect. I am truly blessed with an amazing husband, super great son, the best friends and awesome family... more than any girl could ask for!

Here's a little something a good friend of mine said on her blog that is standing out to me... (Yes, I'm reading past posts ;] )

"I will not doubt. God is bigger than me, He's bigger than infertility. I'm giving my worry and doubt to him. Especially for the next two weeks, while i wait anxiously."

I'm praying for this lovely woman and her journey with infertility... God is good and I know he will bless her!