2 years

2 years ago we decided to try for #2

when will I stop crying?
when will it stop hurting?
when will I be at peace?
how many more times can I fail?
when will it be my turn?

So very thankful for this

This show has always been awesome! And this year it's been more than just fun for me to watch, it's been somewhat theraputic. Giuliana and Bill suffered a miscarriage after a long time trying to conceive and finally getting pregnant through IVF. My heart hurts for her, and I know all to well how she feels. I am thankful for this show because it is shedding light on a subject that has been in the dark for so long. NO one wants to talk about miscarriage... why?? And so with this season and all that they're going through as a couple so publicly, it has helpedme with my own journey to our baby... Thank you Giuliana and Bill Rancic.

no one

I am completely exhuasted... emotionally and physically. I cried most of the night last night. Another person is pregnant and once again it isn't me. I am happy for this person because I know how much she wants it. I hate that this side of me comes out... I wish I could just sit back and not stress. But when this has been my focus for 2 years now, how can I not stress? No one really understands fully... and those people who I talk to are very obviously sick and tired of me hurting. So, I guess I will have to pour out my feelings here?? It kinda sucks going through all this and now going through it alone.

I thought I was fine with not being pregnant and this always hits me like a ton of bricks when another person gets pregnant. I cried most of the evening and because of the response I got to my pain, I didn't even tell Derek how upset I am. I don't want to bore people with it... so here I write... no one really reads this besides me anyways...

Oh, what a morning!

I tossed and turned all night... my hips hurt so bad laying on either side and I can't fall asleep on my back, so needless to say I got very little sleep. I woke up to cramps and a horrid headache. I got up and used the restroom.... I started my cycle (another great part to my morning! *said sarcastically) When I went to go put my make up on, I noticed my right eye was swollen... even better! I'm just ready for this day to be over and it just started! Ugh!

Thanks kid!

Today the girl I watch, Laney, told me she loved her whole family... Super cute right?? Owen said "I love my family too!", and then she proceeded to say "but you don't have a baby..." really? Like I didn't know... thanks kid! haha!

OPK

I did it... I broke down and bought an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) this cycle! I feel like it gives me a better idea and a better warning as to when I ovulate than say if I were to just be charting my temperature or checking for signs. I have gotten pregnant before using them, so I have a feeling they're worth it. So, now we wait... 2 weeks. Tomorrow I start progesterone again. I am honestly not looking forward to that. I hate the horrendous headaches that it gives me, but I guess if that's what I have to go through for a healthy pregnancy, then so be it!