Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days. I know that I was and will forever be someone who dealt with many losses along with trying for so long to get pregnant. It's not something that won't affect me. I still think about how loved each baby was and is and how badly it hurt to lose them. I often think of my friends who are still trying to conceive or wanting a baby. I feel blessed to be finally pregnant, but this little boy will never replace the ones lost.

I got to browsing on facebook yesterday, and came across 2 girls' profiles. Both have little boys and both are pregnant with baby #2. Both will be about 2-3 years apart. I still feel a bit of envy... I really wanted my kids to be closer in age. I know that this 5 year gap was God's plan, but it doesn't mean that I think about how much of an age difference it really is. I started really thinking about the big birthdays and where each boy will be at the time... When Owen turns 16, Ryken will be 11. Those are way different times in their lives... Owen will be in high school, learning to drive and dating girls. Ryken will be in 6th grade, riding his bike and maybe still hating girls. Now, when Ryken turns 16, Owen will be turning 21. Talk about 2 HUGE birthdays in one year... I'm still trying to see the great parts of this age difference (for goodness sakes, God made it this way for a reason) I will only have to get one child ready in the mornings. Owen is self sufficient. He gets himself dressed, brushes his own teeth, washes himself in the tub, wipes his own bum! Plus I know he'll be a big help.

Anyways... this is a super long rant. I just wanted to get it out there that even though a lot of my posts are in excitement, I still think about what was lost. And I'm constantly thinking of those who've lost or are still trying.