life's about to get crazy!

Ryken is 11 days old now and Derek left for Hawaii on Saturday. I'm handling both boys fine, which was to be expected since Owen is 5 years old and SO self sufficient. But, through all of this newborn phase and Derek gone in Hawaii... we'll be moving! We put an offer in on a house back in May, it was a short sale so we knew it could take a while. In late October, we decided to cancel the offer because it was so up in the air and with a baby coming I didn't want any surprises. As soon as we cancelled it, the short sale was approved. We either had the option to reinstate our offer, or walk away from the house completely. After some discussion, we decided to reinstate the offer. We knew this was our house from the moment we walked in, and really in our price range it's the best. Move in ready!!! All appliances, nothing needs to be replaced, just paint the boys' rooms and move. This should all go down mid December, and hopefully we'll be spending Christmas in our new home.

On the baby front, Ryken was 9lbs 3 oz when he was born. When we went for a follow up at the hospital he weighed 8 lbs 3 oz. Not a good loss... we went in the following day and he'd gained an oz. The next day I weighed him and he had gained 3 oz! I was really excited... but then his weight started to go down again. And on Sunday he was back down to 8 lbs 3 oz. I called the labor and delivery unit at the hospital and she recommended I start supplementing and then call his Dr to see what he suggests. So, I supplemented all day Sunday (he gained 3.5 oz Sunday and Monday) and Monday evening we met with the Dr. He said Ryken looked great and gave me a prescription to help my milk come in stronger. I will be supplementing all this week and when he goes in for his circumcision I'm hoping he'll be up enough to stop the supplementing. I'm praying he keeps gaining like he is!

Meet: Ryken Spencer

Ryken Spencer was born Friday 11/11/11 at 11:11am, weighing 9 lbs 3 oz and measuring 22 inches long!

We were scheduled to have the c-section on the 11th and 10 am and with a c-section before us and just how everything panned out, our little mister made a big impression on the whole hospital! He was the talk of the labor and delivery unit.

That morning while getting ready to go, I noticed I was spotting. And while being monitored the nurse told me "yep, he was gonna come today schedule c-section or not, you're having some really strong contractions and about 5 minutes apart." Crazy!

Here are some pictures my friend Keren took for us the day after he was born (she was going to be there for all of his very first photos, but was called into another birth... lots of babies born on 11/11/11!)

39 weeks

Ok, I've officially never been this pregnant! Owen was born at 39 weeks 1 day... I am 39 weeks 1 day now. I can't believe that he'll be here soon!!!! I'm busy making sure the house is clean for the big day and making sure me, Derek and Owen are all ready to be away from home for a few days. Yikes!!!!!

38 weeks

Yesterday was Halloween... I took Owen trick or treating last night and we walked all over my mom's neighborhood (which is quite large) and when we got back I noticed that Ryken was significantly lower than he was when we left. Kinda weird looking really. At my Dr appointment this morning though we've had no progress and everything is on track for the c-section. Thank God! I would hate to have Derek miss the birth. Everything checked out well, heartbeat was at 155bpm and he's still measuring good. She did, however, say that he's going to be a good size baby. Which to me says, he'll be over 9 pounds like Owen. Good thing I didn't take the tags off the few newborn outfits we bought!

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days. I know that I was and will forever be someone who dealt with many losses along with trying for so long to get pregnant. It's not something that won't affect me. I still think about how loved each baby was and is and how badly it hurt to lose them. I often think of my friends who are still trying to conceive or wanting a baby. I feel blessed to be finally pregnant, but this little boy will never replace the ones lost.

I got to browsing on facebook yesterday, and came across 2 girls' profiles. Both have little boys and both are pregnant with baby #2. Both will be about 2-3 years apart. I still feel a bit of envy... I really wanted my kids to be closer in age. I know that this 5 year gap was God's plan, but it doesn't mean that I think about how much of an age difference it really is. I started really thinking about the big birthdays and where each boy will be at the time... When Owen turns 16, Ryken will be 11. Those are way different times in their lives... Owen will be in high school, learning to drive and dating girls. Ryken will be in 6th grade, riding his bike and maybe still hating girls. Now, when Ryken turns 16, Owen will be turning 21. Talk about 2 HUGE birthdays in one year... I'm still trying to see the great parts of this age difference (for goodness sakes, God made it this way for a reason) I will only have to get one child ready in the mornings. Owen is self sufficient. He gets himself dressed, brushes his own teeth, washes himself in the tub, wipes his own bum! Plus I know he'll be a big help.

Anyways... this is a super long rant. I just wanted to get it out there that even though a lot of my posts are in excitement, I still think about what was lost. And I'm constantly thinking of those who've lost or are still trying.

37 weeks

We're full term! I'm praying though that he stays in... like I've stated before ;] I'm feeling more pain in my pelvis and hips, which is to be expected. Sleeping is harder, because now my hips hurt if I sleep on one side too long. I'm not complaining though cause I know it will all end soon enough and instead of waking up to pain, I'll be waking up to a sweet little boy! I also have taken to Derek's long sleeved shirts. I'm not hot this pregnancy like I was with Owen, so I need long sleeves, but no shirts of mine and barely any sweatshirts fit around my belly. So, now I just grab one of the few shirts Derek has and wear them... usually just around the house ;]

Derek left for Hawaii on Sunday and should be back on the 8th or 9th of November. He's hoping to be home for Owen's birthday on the 6th, but we'll see.

At my appointment today, Ryken sounded good and measured perfectly. I did have some spotting Saturday (very minimal) and was anxious for the exam to see if anything happened. Still no progress which makes me happy :] Even though I can't wait to meet this little man, I can wait til his daddy gets home!

36 weeks

4 weeks left!!!! I can't believe we've gotten this far. I can remember just dreaming we'd get this far. At this point I know he can come at any time and would be a healthy boy. Although, I want him to wait for our c-section date because Derek will for sure be home. He leaves for Hawaii on Sunday and won't be back until around the time of the scheduled c-section.

With Derek being gone in Hawaii for what they say could be 8-10 months (we will see... it was supposed to be over 6 months last year and he was there for about 4), the boys and I will be visiting him about once a month. I know, rough times going to Hawaii once a month! I am hoping that with Owen being 5 and Ryken being pretty young, we will survive the 6 hour flight. I came across a little dilemma when it came to bring a stroller to Hawaii. I had purchased a Graco Snap n Go stroller and a Baby Trend jogging stroller secondhand. Which one to bring?? I kept toying with the idea of taking the jogging stroller, but the car seat doesn't attach and Ryken wouldn't be old enough to ride in it. It would be a huge help in the airport to lug carry on's in though. So I decided to research something that could work as both. I ended up selling both strollers on Craigslist not even 24 hours after I posted them. And yesterday I ordered this....

I'm really excited about it. The seat reverses so baby can face me, and it also lays flat which is PERFECT for a new baby. It comes with an infant car seat attachment so I can use it with the car seat... even better! I've read a ton of reviews and the only negative is that it is heavy... I've dealt with some heavy strollers before and I know this thing will be fine.

At my Dr's appointment today he's measuring right on still and his heartbeat sounds strong! I love hearing it!!! No progress, which is good since we will be bidding farewell to Derek this week... I must keep this boy in until he comes back home!

Baby Shower

Last Friday night, my amazing friends Stepheni and Stephanie threw me a shower that was to die for! I feel so fortunate that I have great girl friends who wanted to do this for me. Also, the turnout was awesome, making me feel even more blessed. I know for sure that I won't have to buy diapers, wipes or clothes until Ryken is 3 months old! I was overwhelmed by the amount of support I have and the love that surrounds my little family.

Here are a few shots of my awesome "Woodsy" themed baby shower. Photos by Mason Jar Photography.

Maternity Photos

Derek was home for a few days and my dear friend Stepheni of Mason Jar Photography snapped a bunch of family/maternity photos for us. I am in love with them! We had a very uncooperative 4 year old, but I had faith that Stepheni would get some great shots even with his crankiness ;]

trying to keep Owen occupied by making funny faces with Dad's face!

I love this! So my boys!

I can't wait to see the rest of them! And of course print them out to display all over my house!

34 weeks:: Nursery officially done!

Even though about 90% of Ryken's room has been done, I wanted to wait til I got the last few finishing touches finished to post photos. Now, I know it's not all that much... many people go all out for a nursery, but I tried to keep it fairly low key. I used Owen's old bedding that my sister Renee purchased before he was born. It has lots of different colors, but I thought that accenting the red would work out well.

This is a look from his door. The dresser/changing table was purchased on craigslist, repainted and given new drawer pulls. I really like it. The swing was given to me by my dear friend Stepheni (used by both her precious boys!) and if you look closely, there is a black backpack I will use as a diaper bag. And yes, the backpack is already packed full of stuff for the hospital!

The crib was bought by my mom before I had miscarriage #2 back in June 2009. I love it and I'm so thankful that she was willing to give us such a great gift! She also purchased a changing table that I have downstairs for those times I don't want to trek upstairs (yes, I can be lazy ;])

I bought the "R" at Joanne Fabrics. It took me forever to find one that wasn't broken! I spray painted it and hung it up.

My mom also bought this Poang rocking chair and ottoman from Ikea for us. I had one years ago and loved it. Come to think of it, I have no idea where it went! I'm so thankful for it. My sweet lil niece Eme was our "test baby" and she loved it, drifted off to sleep quite well in it! (the baby quilt is hiding one of those awkward square windows that lets all the morning light in! Not my ideal, but hey it works!)

So, there you have it! I tried my hardest to keep the cost down and to not over do his room. And since we can't paint the walls (we rent!) I hope it turned out well.

Only 5 things in the entire room were purchased brand new (crib, rocking chair, laundry hamper, lamp and changing pad/cover). The rest was second hand. There are many things not seen that were bought second hand also (bumbo, bath, snap n go stroller, breast pump and many clothes!). I think he'll like it! Yes, I know he really won't care haha!

33 weeks

Well, 7 weeks to go! I told my mom that there was 48 days and she about freaked! So much stuff to get done (on her part, blankets, hats etc.) before he gets here.

I am suffering from a few annoying pregnancy symptoms.

1. Odd pains:: I have this weird pain right under my bra-line above my belly on the right side... oh and it radiates through to my back. And switching positions doesn't help one bit.

2. Swollen feet:: I was sure I was escaping this one, until I put on my cute black boots yesterday and I felt like my feet were going to burst out of these poor boots... looks like those will have to wait til after he's born.

3. Vericose Veins:: I took this one the hardest. Yes, I cried. I have the slightest start of a vericose vein on my left calf. I am mad at myself for getting upset because I wanted to bring this boy into the world so badly, but I sacrificed my stomach for Owen (stretch marks) and I didn't want to have to sacrifice my legs too. I read up on them and thankfully, they go away within 3 months of delivery if they were set on by pregnancy.

Other than that, I'm tired. Which is to be expected. Derek came home and should be home for about 2ish weeks. He laughs at me while I try to get comfortable in bed... there is lots of huffing and puffing and grunting and groaning. It's not easy to get into the 2 comfy positions lol! I had another OB appointment yesterday and everything looks good. Ryken's heartbeat was 140 and he's measuring right at 33 weeks. I start getting checked each time I go in (yippee!!!) and after my next appointment, I will be there once a week... a sure fire sign that there isn't much time left!

31 weeks

After this weekends scare, I didn't do much Sunday. I had a Dr appointment yesterday and told her about our little hospital trip. She told me to just take it easy and to not over do things and drink plenty of water (which if you know me, it's definitely not a problem to drink more than enough water!). Ryken checked out great again, 160bpm and measuring right on again. She could even feel his head right above my pelvis... so he's not low haha! I start going in every 2 weeks now and my next appointment is Sept 27th.

In other news... Derek comes home Thursday and doesn't have to go back to Wyoming!!! He was gone for 3 1/2 weeks, home for 4 days then back to Wyoming for 10 days. He will be getting stuff ready for another Hawaii trip, so who knows how long he'll be home.

While he is in Wyoming, we bought a new car. The Armada had been an issue from the moment we bought it a year ago. We tried trading it in to the dealership I bought it from (they said they'd help us since we bought the POS there), but when it came down to it the price they wanted to give us for the trade was not what I was initially told... in fact it was about $5,000 off of what I was told. So we walked away from the deal and kept dealing with problems. On Monday before Derek went back to Wyoming, he took his boat up to the lake to play and the Armada barely made it to the lake and just crawled going home... while back firing. Tuesday morning we took it into Puyallup Nissan where our favorite service writer, Steve, told us that he didn't want us leaving in the Armada and that we're getting a different car. They suggested a brand new Pathfinder... that didn't work. Way too small even for just me and 2 kids, let alone my 6'5" husband. I was discouraged to say the least when they didn't have anything that I thought was big enough for us that we could afford. The salesman showed me an 07 GMC Acadia, and I was shocked... that thing looks small, but has an amazing amount of room! Thankfully they were able to get us into the Acadia and with minimal negative equity from the Armada... in fact about half of what the other dealership was going to roll over. I'm very happy with it and we even got to test out how big it was this weekend :] I'm praying that this car is good to us...

Anywyas... SUPER long post, but this weekend was crazy!

9.10.11

So, yesterday was quite a day for me. I had a wedding to go to in Steilacoom. That was all I had planned. Right before the wedding started, I started to cramp. These continued with pretty strong (or strong to me) contractions. Throughout the ceremony and reception they continued. My sister got me some bread and water to hopefully help and it didn't. So, I called St. Elizabeth hospital to see what they would suggest. The nurse I talked to said, to just head to the nearest hospital to get evaluated. So, we looked up the nearest one and headed out. We got to St. Clare's in Lakewood and were told to head to the ER. After I was checked in and my vitals taken, I was sent back to a room. The DR came in super panicked and told me there was no OB dept in that hospital. Which of course we didn't know. He decided to check my cervix (um, this guy should be banned from doing that!!!!) and I hadn't dilated. He told me we needed to go to St. Joe's to be evaluated. So, I figured we'd just hop in the car and go... nope! Because I was going to be evaluated for pre-term labor I needed to be transported by ambulance. Great... about an hour later I'm in an ambulance going on a 10 minute drive. At St. Joe's they checked my urine, got me hooked up to monitors and did my vitals again. Everything checked out normal, and Ryken sounded great. The DR checked my cervix and it was closed, thick and high which is all good. We stayed for another 30 minutes while they continued to monitor Ryken and my contractions. I got released and was told to do nothing the rest of the weekend. So far today I've had 2 painful contractions, and thankfully they've been pretty far between the 2. My mom has been watching me like a hawk, and my sister and brother in law came over to help me too. I have a Dr appointment tomorrow morning, so I will discuss with her what happened and see what she wants me to do. Hopefully it was just a fluke thing and I don't have to be on bed rest... I know I will do whatever it takes to keep him in as long as possible though.

29 weeks

Not much going on pregnancy wise... just trying to get everything together before Ryken gets here. I was hoping to have a picture of his dresser all painted and put together, but I'm still working on it. It took 2 coats of primer and 3 coats of the red paint to make it look good. And now I'm working on putting the new hardware on. It's not as easy as I thought and I've already screwed up a drawer :/ Hopefully no one will notice. I am thinking about putting a coat or 2 of polyurethane to protect the top of the dresser since I plan on using it as a changing table. Not gonna lie, I'm a wee bit scared to do that! Anyways... Derek comes home tomorrow after being gone for 3 1/2 weeks in Wyoming! The sad part... he leaves for that dreadful place Tuesday morning... before Owen's first day of school. :(

I am gonna leave you with a photo my dear friend of Mason Jar Photography snapped of me at 27 weeks after my nieces newborn photo shoot. She really is awesome! Please check her out if you need any photos!

We're in the home stretch!

28 weeks today and in the 3rd trimester! I had a DR appointment yesterday and once again Ryken sounds great. His heart rate is at 145 and measured perfectly. I am anxious to see how big he will be. Owen was 9 lbs 5 oz when he was born at 39 weeks, and always measured big. I would love to have a little guy who is little haha! But if the Lord decides to give me a 10 lb kid, I'll take it too ;]

I talked with my Dr about scheduling a c-section. As much as I wanted to do a VBAC, I would rather guarantee that Derek would be there when Ryken is born. So, we scheduled it! I'm not telling anyone the day because I don't want anyone else to be at the hospital other than my mom, sister, brother-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law and sister-in-law there. We didn't tell anyone when Owen's scheduled c-section was and I was glad that they got to have special time to love on him before everyone else came. We will however call and text soon after he's born :]

27 weeks

This is the last week in my second trimester... I can't believe it! Before I know it, Ryken will be here... so weird! I've been on cloud 9 this week, admiring the beauty that is my lil niece. Being an Auntie is too much!!!! ;]

Last night for about an hour, I had some painful braxton hicks contractions. I got a bit concerned and then they went away. I woke up this morning with a very sore belly to the touch, and after my shower that was gone too. I know that there are more pains that go along with a second pregnancy, but man I got scared.

Today, my best friend Stepheni snapped a few photos of me in my sisters back yard and as soon as I get one I will post it. Everyone will be able to see how big my belly is haha! I had 2 labor and delivery nurses ask if I was due in a couple weeks... try a couple months! I'm trying to take it all in stride haha!

complete awe

On Wednesday my sister was called in for an induction. She was 41 weeks 1 day and so ready to have her baby girl. I was being kept up on her status while Owen was at VBS and again while we were at our bible study. From bible study I just wanted to get to the hospital, which wasn't my plan at all. I was going to wait until I got the call that Eme was born and then drive over. Thank God I decided to not do that! Our family friend Ray was there with his son and while I went to go check on Danielle he watched Owen for me for a few (which ended up being like 2 1/2 hours or more). I didn't even think I'd be able to see my sister during her labor at all. They had a fairly strict birth plan and wanted to just have the two of them in the room, which I totally get. It's an intimate experience and the last thing you need is some crazies chatting away while you're trying to get a baby out! Well, before I knew it I was holding her left leg and watching my niece be born! I am still in complete awe at how awesome my sister did. She was so calm and barely made any noise. And got that 8 pound 7 ounce gorgeous baby girl out so easily! I am in love with this little girl and I know she's going to make a fine addition to our family :]

26 weeks

When I think about how much time I have left, I start to panic. Only 3 months left! I can't believe how fast this has gone by... toward the beginning I felt like it was dragging day by day, but now each week just flies. I only need to purchase a few things before he's born and hopefully I can save the money for that :] Derek's work has him all over these days... right now he's in Denver for a job. And they're talking about Hawaii in October again. So, there's a possibility he might miss Ryken's birth. Part of me wants to can the VBAC idea and just do a repeat c-section so we can give his work a date and he can be home. We will see though... everything is so up in the air with his job all the time that I don't want to make any plans just yet.

25 weeks

Well, I still have a bruise where I was stabbed last week haha! But, the good part about all of it is that my glucose levels were normal! I do however need to start taking an iron supplement. I had to also with Owen, so I'm not too surprised. I'm iron deficient when I'm not pregnant, so I'm really not surprised. I'm feeling pretty good... I cleaned my house from top to bottom (nesting maybe??) and I was feeling it on Friday and Saturday. I also started organizing Ryken's room (which has been a storage unit for the last 3 years)... I figure if we stay in this house I need to make his room work... so I'm doing it!

On a different note, I'm waiting not so patiently for my sister to go into labor. She's 40 weeks today and has had a fairly miserable pregnancy, so she's more than ready! Every morning I wake up and check my phone to see if she's texted to tell me she's going to the hospital... but no such luck just yet! I can't wait to have a niece and finally get to be an auntie!

24 weeks

Baby is about a foot long now :] I had another appointment yesterday and he sounded great. 160 beats per minute and he was a movin'! I also had to do my glucose test... drank a not so tasty orange drink and have my blood drawn an hour later. Well, the gal who drew my blood, shoved the needle in my arm and ripped it out. Usually I feel a teeny pinch and then nothing. She was just not gentle what so ever and I got a bruise within minutes... nice! Now, I wait for those results... I'm praying everything is ok!

23 weeks

The site I normally get the size comparison from stops comparing baby each week and goes to months... so my illustrations will be about 4 weeks apart now lol! As for the pregnancy, I'm doing great. Feeling really well. No pains, nothing ailing me. I'm feeling the baby move all the time and I LOVE it. I love at night when he moves and Derek gets to feel him. Makes me happy :) I've been doing a lot of shopping (as you have seen from my last post). I can't tell you how excited I am about my thrifty purchases! My dear friends Stepheni and Stephanie are planning me a shower (or I guess sprinkle since it's baby #2) and I can't even tell you how excited I am! These girls are amazing and I know the shower will be too. I won't be registering for anything because really, I don't need anything. We're replacing those things I got rid of one by one and there is no reason to register.

Anyways, I have my 24 week appointment on Monday and I will have my glucose test that same day. I'm anxious for this test as I am for any test... I'm so afraid I'm going to hear "you have gestational diabetes" ugh. Be praying please!

getting ready for baby

After the first 2 miscarriages, I got rid of the majority of my baby stuff. I couldn't handle looking at all of it knowing I didn't have a baby. I have since replaced a bunch of it by going to Just Between Friends sales, craigslist and Secondhand Chic for Kids & Babies. I got a jogging stroller in great condition for $70, a blue bumbo seat with a tray for $15, and my latest find is this antique dresser for $40! I was so happy to be the first to come check it out and pick it up. I plan on sanding it down because it has a few coats of paint on it and lots of paint chipping off, and painting it red. The bedding I'm using is Owen's old crib bedding and there are hints of red throughout and I think it'd make the red pop. We will see.

Here's my find....

it came with this mirror to go on top

and I just purchased these drawer pulls on ebay to replace the boring wood knobs it already has.

If anyone has any tricks or tips on painting furniture, I would love the advice!!!

22 weeks/ 5 months

Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.

The pain I wrote about last week is officially gone! I called my dr's office and they said it was normal and to maybe buy a maternity support band. So, I got online and ordered one... and the next morning it was gone! Praise Jesus! Owen and I took full advantage of it and went on a nice long walk. I've been cleaning the house and enjoying being able to move. I've been feeling Ryken move so much more now. It's so nice to just feel him squirm. It's not just when I'm lying down either, it's sitting and standing too. I'm loving every minute of it!

21 weeks

Your Baby: Week 21

Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for hydration and nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies are most interested in tastes they've already experienced through amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you want your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.


So this last week has been a tough one. I'm trying to keep positive knowing that this is exactly what I wanted and that Ryken is healthy. But, I have had a horrid pain in my pelvis and pubic bone. It's so off and on and unpredictable. I have a pair of flip flips with an arch support that help and I'm going to buy another pair so I don't wear these out over the next 19 weeks. Also, my dr suggested a maternity support band. So, I ordered one and I'm hoping that helps too. We will see. I am happy knowing that he's still active and moving around, but man it sucks to just stand as much as possible and not knowing when and where the pain will hit. Prayers please?

This little man has a name!

Ryken Spencer Patsey

This name was on the top of my list. It took Derek some getting used to, but he really likes it and we decided it should be baby boy's name! I heard the name Ryken years ago... I can't even tell you where because, frankly I don't remember. And Spencer is Derek's mom's maiden name (Derek was born Derek Spencer until his parents married). Naming him felt a lot harder than naming Owen. It was easy with Owen and with Ryken, it felt so weird... like I was hoping I wasn't doing the wrong thing. Everything is so different the second time around!

it's a.....

BOY!!!!!

We're so excited! Neither Derek or I had a preference so we're just excited he's healthy and from what the ultrasound looks like doing quite well and is active. We will get our official results from the radiologist on how the ultrasound looks tomorrow. I'm praying that everything is as good as it seemed to me.

He's measuring about a week ahead of schedule, so they might be changing my due date... which would put his due date right about Owen's 5th birthday. That idea stresses me out! Oh well, we will deal with whatever God puts in front of us ;] Oh, and stay tuned on a name... we've got one we like, but want to have it set in stone before we announce it!

19 weeks

Your Baby: Week 19

Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might actually get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

This past week has been pretty eventful as far as baby goes... lots of kicks have been felt! Only by me though. I'm finally feeling some kicking. Mostly at night when I lay on my back before rolling over to sleep. I even felt the baby on the outside... that was weird! I forgot how it felt and how weird it felt to feel a baby from the outside and inside. It's also reassuring feeling it move... I'm not as paranoid about our next appointment because I can feel that it's doing just fine. 6 more days til we find out what we're having!

cravings...

Just like every other pregnant woman... I've had cravings. At first it was tomato soup, egg mcmuffins and orange juice. Now, I have some cravings that aren't so good for me (not that the others were the best diet, but far better than these...)

Totino's Pizza's
Yes, the bottom of the frozen pizza barrel. You can buy these suckers for $1. I crave them... they're horribly not nutritious.

Sour Punch Bites
These were a craving of mine while pregnant with Owen, but this time I've tried to keep myself from the candy aisle. I don't need to be gaining 40 pounds this pregnancy Adding to the pizza with a sour dessert will only speed up the weight gaining process.

Why can't I be one of those girls who craves fruits, veggies and lean meats?? Grrr... I am hating my super unhealthy cravings and have been trying to offset them with nice long walks. I wish it were long jogs, but my hip is not allowing me to run :( I miss running... I read a blog basically profiling this mom's journey to a marathon starting at square one. It made me want to set a goal for post-baby. There is a 5k I do every year at the end of February... I'm going to run that again. As soon as my dr gives me the thumbs up for exercise, I'm running!

18 weeks

Your Baby: Week 18

Your fetus has become amazingly mobile (at least compared to you), passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing. And, baby's finally big enough that you'll be able to feel those movements soon.

I'm getting increasingly anxious for our ultrasound on the 27th. Officially 13 days left! I can't wait to know what this baby is and give it a name. I hate just calling it "the baby", it's a person and needs an identity. We will have that crazy discussion of names after we find out ;] Owen insists it is a girl and has the WHOLE time! I'm ok with either, but I think a boy would be more financially friendly ;] Girls have so much cute stuff to buy and with my niece who isn't even her yet, I could go broke buying her stuff... I make myself stay away from the baby aisle. So, we will see. I'm feeling pretty good still. The last few nights I've been up again for about 2 hours... last night it was hard to want to move into a comfy position, cause the way I was laying I could feel baby moving a little bit. Very nice to feel...

Week 17

Your Baby: Week 17

Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.

Well, not much going on these days. I'm still feeling really good... just fat! I'm so at that in between phase where I can't fit into my old clothes (mostly pants and skirts unless they're super stretchy) and the "maternity" clothes I have make me look like a frump. It's very frustrating. I had 2 showers yesterday and must've tried on 6 different outfits trying to look presentable. I've got a couple pair of maternity jeans that I love, but I wanted to look nice at the showers so there is where I hit a wall. Just felt icky. On a more exciting note, I'm feeling the baby move! Just little flutters here and there, but I can definitely tell it's moving! 3 more weeks until we know if it's a boy or girl and then Derek and I can start discussing names!

16 weeks

Your Baby: Week 16

Watch what you say... tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean the little one can now pick up your voice. Eyebrows, lashes and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming. And, if you're interested, an ultrasound might be able to determine gender.

I had a DR appointment today and got to hear baby's heartbeat again. Strong 156 bpm, and I feel like I can breathe a little easier for a while. My nerves go through the roof before every appointment. I pray and pray to keep myself from being a wreck, but with each one I feel better. I also, made my next appointment for June 27th and right after that appointment we will go straight to the hospital to have an ultrasound and hopefully find out what this baby is! Anyone have a hunch?? I'm clueless lol!

On a really sad note, a girl I went to high school with, and since went to church with and had very many mutual friends, was killed on Friday. She was running in Chelan when a man fell asleep at the wheel and struck her, killing her and her baby (she was 31 weeks pregnant) My mind is still reeling. No, I wasn't close to her, but this hit close to home. She was due just a few days before my sister and had 2 small boys at home. My heart breaks, and I'm reminded how none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Please keep this family in your prayers.

15 weeks

Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now out measure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your baby is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements.

Well, not much to mention on the pregnancy front. Just moving along and really feeling good. I'm so thankful that I'm not as tired and not nauseous anymore! I do have a lil' belly already, which I am fully embracing. I'm not going to hide this gift God has given me... I am also happy that I don't just look like I'm fat, I look pregnant! Still no names... we've thrown a few around and have a few we like, but nothing set in stone. I have another week until my next appointment and I'm anxious. Another girl whose blog I read, lost her baby at 18 weeks. It scares me. I have heard of so many first trimester miscarriages and have experienced my fair share, but losing a baby after the "safe period" has got to be hard. I've been praying for her and her family and praying that God keeps my mind clear and my faith strong.

14 weeks:: Second Trimester

Today I am 14 weeks and have roughly about 6 months left . For one week now, I've been off progesterone. I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit nervous to get off of it. With having so many miscarriages, I get scared with everything. I feel like I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy much... hopefully after I feel the baby move and know what we're having, I will enjoy it. I have been feeling much better these days. Not so tired, I have some more energy and I am not eating every 2 hours! On Friday I even forgot to eat lunch... just breakfast and dinner. That would've not happened before. I'm not sleeping as well anymore, and I'm still waking up for a couple hours each night, but NOT eating :]

This week, I've heard of 2 girls having miscarriages. One was just a few weeks behind me and one was a few weeks ahead of me. It's scary. You're never fully safe in a pregnancy and that's definitely nerve racking. I need to put my faith in God knowing that he is in control and that everything will be ok.

13 weeks

Well, I've reached 13 weeks which means I took my last progesterone pill last night! I can't tell you enough how excited I am to not be taking them anymore. I'm hoping that I get some energy back, and lose some of my appetite. I am kinda sick of being hungry every 2 hours and waking up at 3am to eat. Not so great for the waistline.

So many people have been asking lately if we've picked out names. To be honest, we've not even really thought of names. We will discuss names when we find out what we're having. I also get asked if I'm so excited... I am, but I feel like I can't get super excited because so much has gone wrong in the past. I might get more excited when we get to find out what we're having. It's at least 7 weeks until then. Hopefully we can schedule that ultrasound on the 31st at my next appointment.

week 12

Today marks 12 weeks. I finally made it to 12 weeks! Baby is now the size of a plum :] This morning I had another dr appointment and I got to hear the heartbeat. 168 beats per minute. Derek was pretty bummed that he had to work and couldn't come with us. He needs to hear the heartbeat for reassurance just as much as I do. Hopefully the next one :] We got home and I took a little nap... woke up SUPER nauseous. Seriously started kinda gagging while making my bed... sick. I am now trying to eat a sandwich so that I get rid of this nausea. Hopefully this symptom goes soon. One good thing is that I only have one more week of taking progesterone! I'm so happy that I get to stop taking it so soon! I was sure I'd have to be 14 weeks until I stopped, so when she said one more week it was like music to my ears! Well, I'd better sign off... got lots of cleaning to do before our out of towners show up this evening!

2+2=4

Ya... I've gained 2 more pounds... not happy. I know that for 11 weeks 4 pounds isn't bad, but I am SO beyond scared to gain too much weight. With Owen, I gained 38 pounds and I would prefer to not gain over 25 this time. So, I looked online to see which yoga poses to avoid during pregnancy so I can keep doing my yoga dvd's and not buy new prenatal ones. I also laced up my running shoes for the first time in about 5 weeks. I got Owen on his bike and he rode and I ran for about 1.26 miles... not much, but it's a start. Plus, Owen can't go as far as I can run. Anyways... I'm finally getting some energy back and I want to be active until I give birth. I'm also not so crazy hungry today (this could be different tomorrow!)... hopefully I wake up feeling good and not sore!

I've also researched which Weight Watchers meeting will work for us after this baby is born. Even if I only gain 25 pounds, I still need to lose more. When we started trying for a baby I was only about 5 pounds above my Weight Watchers goal weight. Now, I'm about 20 ugh. These last 2 years have made me just not care about my weight... not good!

11 weeks

Baby is the size of a lime this week! I can't believe it... that seems big to me already lol! I'm still fairly tired, although I do get bouts of energy here and there. I'm also still nauseous and eating ALL the time... I'm surprised still that I've only gained 2 pounds! I totally forgot about this stage of pregnancy when you just feel fat. It's not the funnest, but I'm gonna enjoy it, because eventually I will be huge! I always heard that you show earlier in your pregnancy with the second baby and I'm believing them now! I have been pregnant 6 times, but only this far with my son and with this pregnancy, and now I've got a gut lol!

On Monday I turn 29. I'm not even sure if we have any plans to do anything on that day... hopefully dinner with my family and some relaxing :]

Last night

Last night, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Sex and the City. It was the "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda" episode where Miranda finds out she's pregnant and wants to have an abortion. All 4 girls were at breakfast and Charlotte (who had been TTC for 5 months) had just started her period. She was frustrated and angry when Miranda spilled the beans. She got really mad and defensive and stormed away from the restaurant. I felt so badly for Charlotte... I've been there SO many times. I've been the one trying for 2.5 years to have a girl who doesn't even know when she ovulates get pregnant on the first try. I've been the one where a friend doesn't even realize she's pregnant until 6 weeks along because "woops, I'm late??" It's hard... I know so many girls who've been and are still going through these issues with the massive amounts of girls who are pregnant around them. My heart still breaks for them.

I think that people assume that because I'm pregnant now, the past doesn't affect me. That it's ok that another girl is pregnant by accident. It still hurts. It's still hard to see girls not even have to put effort into getting pregnant. The past miscarriages and months of trying still affects me. I am so happy I'm pregnant now, but it doesn't diminish my journey what so ever.

Anyways, a bit of a rant... but definitely my feelings. Hang in there ladies who are still TTC, I'm praying for you and I'm here for you... I know what you're going through.

like clockwork

Every night I've been waking up anywhere between 1 and 5. And I'm usually up for at least 2 hours. Sometimes even having to eat. This has been super hard on me, especially when Owen wakes up at 6:30am. I tried cutting out my naps, but it's not been helping at all. I hope that it gets better, but if it doesn't I guess I'll just get used to it.

On another note. I asked my neighbor to borrow her old infant seat for a few minutes to see if it fits well in the car we're looking at buying. She kinda looked at me and said "Well, you can't borrow it cause I need it for my baby" haha! That was her sly way of telling me she's pregnant! And the funny thing is, is that she's 16 weeks along! Dang... I can't imagine keeping it a secret that long. I'm super excited for her. I got a little twinge of envy though because her oldest is almost 2 and will be 2 1/2 when this new baby is born. I really wish Owen had a sibling closer in age, but after talking with her about how much rest she doesn't get, I'm glad I have such a self sufficient 4 1/2 year old! God's plans are the best... better than we could even imagine and I can't doubt why he does what he does :]


** Update as of 4/21/11:: I slept through the night last night! Got up once to go to the bathroom and fell right back to sleep! Praise the LORD!

10 weeks

So, baby is this big... the site didn't say what this was, so I'm gonna guess a prune?? Haha! I've been exhausted, but trying to keep the house up since I have let it go recently. Also, I've been able to ward off the nausea a bit. I get super nauseous when I'm hungry. As soon as I eat, it's gone.

We have family from Texas coming to visit the end of the month and I'm not gonna lie, I'm not looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to seeing them because it's been a while, but I haven't had overnight guests ever! I've been having a hard time keeping the house clean since I'm so tired and the idea of having to keep up with 4 extra people makes me even more tired. Lord help me! (that's the ONLY way I'm gonna get through it!)

9 weeks

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. It's kind of a big milestone for me, because I've not gotten this far in a pregnancy in 5 years. I still have all of my symptoms, exhaustion, nausea, extreme hunger, lower back pain, sore breasts, weird dreams etc. I feel like I constantly have the flu, with feeling weak and nauseous... but it's a price I'm willing to pay for a healthy baby :]

I am going to try to blog weekly on how I'm doing and how this pregnancy is going. Also, a photo of how big the baby is with a comparison. Here it is... week 9!

this one's different

I've been pregnant a total of 6 times now. Each one was pretty similar really. With Owen I was way more tired than the following 4, but never sick. With this pregnancy, I'm constantly exhausted and nauseous. I'm not complaining at all because this means things are working correctly. I'm just not used to dealing with the nausea. I have a stock of ginger ale in my fridge and my poor sweet husband is getting leftovers tonight simply because I can't stomach the idea of making dinner. Friends are saying "maybe it's a girl!" all because it's so different, but really... I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's full term and healthy! I pray to God continually for the health and safety of this baby... since we got to see the little thing, I'm super attached.

Oh! And on another note, my sweet lil guy has been amazing... he keeps saying that he's so happy I'm gonna have a baby, which just makes my heart swell. He's also been pretty understanding of my laziness, and just hangs out with me. We've become the couch people lately... thank God he's being a good boy!

our lil secret

Yep, we're pregnant! I'm 7 weeks 6 days today :] We have been keeping it a secret since we've been through so much. Not even our parents knew! We had our first OB appointment this morning and I was a wreck. I was super nervous and when the Dr came in I even cried because I was so scared. She was just so sweet and did the ultrasound first to ease my mind. We saw the little one all teeny and saw it's heartbeat an also got to hear the heartbeat. A strong 175 beats per minute. I can't tell you how excited we all are. Owen keeps telling me "mommy, I'm so glad you're gonna have a baby!" Such a sweetie. This baby is due November 15th 2011 :] Thank you everyone for all of your prayers and support through all of this, any additional prayers during this pregnancy are greatly appreciated.

another 2 week wait

Yup... 2ww comes once again! I did well on the last 2ww and I didn't think about too much. I'm praying this one is the same :]

knife to the heart

Oh man, I just went onto thebump.com and when I logged in (which has been forever) it said I had a 12 week old baby. Well, according to my last miscarriage I would have had a 3 month old now. I think I subconsciously didn't log into this site for many reasons. This must've been one. I had to go into my account and delete that pregnancy. Man, talk about a knife to the heart. I'm hoping to get more advice on TTC after multiple losses and TTC for 29 months. So, here goes!

so long, no post

I've been one BUSY girl! Just to give you an idea of how busy I've been, last Saturday I was home for a total of about 2 hours between waking up and going to bed. I'm just running ragged! So, that's why I haven't been blogging. I have a day off without kids and I'm enjoying it by just sitting on the couch with my laptop and some dvr'd shows ;] Hopefully I will stay this low key for a while.

What the heck?

This morning I woke up about 7 and took the ole BBT... rolled over and fell back to sleep. I dreamt that we were given a 1 year old boy. His name was Hudson and he had really dark hair. In my dream he fell asleep on me, and after he fell asleep Owen came up to me and laid on me too. And since dreams never make sense, we were all of a sudden at a fair like place. I lost Hudson... and I was yelling for him and running all over the place, my family was there, but they weren't helping me try to find him. Then I woke up.

This dream is really weird to me because before I had my second miscarriage, Derek and I had chosen the name Hudson for the baby if it was a boy. That baby would be just a little over a year old now had I not miscarried... this is making my mind go a little crazy.

what a relief!

I had my Dr appointment today. It was a prescription follow-up. Thank God, she just wanted to check in and make sure I'm still taking my BBT every day and that it is going up mid month. Also, making sure I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, baby asprin and progesterone 48 hours after ovulation. She wrote me up my progesterone prescription and we were done! Thank the Lord that it was an easy one. I didn't want to have to be put on any more meds for sure. Thank you to those who prayed! You all mean so much to me :]

ugh

I forgot to call my Dr to get my refill of progesterone. So the pharmacy I use, faxed the office and the office denied my refill. They want me to come in. I'm a little frustrated. I will lose a day of pay because I can't take 3 kids to the Dr with me, and I didn't want to make an appointment with her until I had 6 failed months under my belt. The only thing good is that she might be able to give me a pregnancy test (early) and maybe we've been successful? Please be praying that everything checks out OK and that I won't have to be on any more meds or be referred to a specialist.


Oh, and I also have a chiropractor appointment tomorrow evening because I took a really hard fall Friday at the Costco gas station. I slipped on ice and fell super hard on my left hip. It's been giving me a little pain since Saturday night. I did run another 5k Saturday morning, injured hip and all... and I got 3rd in my age range!!!

I had a dream

A dream that I was pregnant... and I was very happy because it was the longest I had been pregnant in a long time. I was 7 weeks if I remember correctly (my dreams don't always make much sense) and that is all I remember of the dream. You see, the progesterone pills give me the "weird pregnancy dreams" that you get while pregnant, while I'm not. I hate the weird dreams, especially when I wake up happy, to realize I'm not 7 weeks pregnant ;]

why?

Over the last 2+ years, I would often wonder why I went through what I've gone through. I know God had a reason, and a plan. I don't know the whole plan just yet, but I do know that he knew that I'd be able to comfort women who've gone through the same. I am able to sympathize with them and understand their feelings like no one else can. I often wished for someone to talk to who knew what I was going through. And not only someone who has been through miscarriages, but someone who has dealt with TTC and the difficulties of it. I'm thankful for the people who've I've been able to become close to after all of this.

2ww

And so we meet again... the most hated 2 week wait. I am trying to stay positive about this cycle, but I can't. I don't feel like we did enough. I did use the OPK's and hopefully we timed everything just right, but you never know. And I can't help but feel like we could have done more. I am trying to keep telling myself "it only takes one time". I'm praying that the Lord keeps me busy during this time and keeps my mind off of it (this would be a miracle!) I start progesterone on Friday and of course I'm not looking forward to that.

cd15

I finally broke down and bought an OPK. I am hoping this will be the key to finally getting pregnant. I really don't want to have to go back to the DR and say "hey, it's been 6 months of TTC and nothing..." I don't want to have to take more pills (even though I know women who do much more than me to TTC). I won't even test until March 8th, when my cycle is due. I don't want to stress out with testing before then.

PS. I just realized this entry is full of things I don't want lol

i was doing ok

i was doing ok until i found out 3 more girls are pregnant. its so hard because i am seeing everyone around me get exactly what i want yet again. it hurts... im sad tonight.

ps. sorry for the poor punctuation and no caps... im on my phone and it wont let me use either

Looking toward the future

Today I checked the "My Days" application on my phone. It shows me when I'm projected to be most fertile, tells me when I should start my period, and allows me to chart my BBT. I will be fertile again the 17th-22nd. This kinda got me a bit nostalgic... Owen was conceived on February 21st 2006. How cool would it be to have another baby conceived around the same time 5 years later, with a due date just a few days different?? Of course, it's all in God's hands... and he knows when and what will happen. I just think it'd be super cool for Owen to have a new baby as his 5th birthday present (by the way, he's been asking when he's going to be 5 ever since he turned 4 haha!)

CD1

Cycle day 1... my BBT was quite low the last two days and I had a little cramping, so it was no surprise to me when my cycle started. So, here we go again. I think that this will be my last cycle that we try, and if we're not successful, I'm going to make an appointment with my DR to see what's going wrong, or what we're doing wrong...

what's up with my bbt??

I chart my bbt every day.... without fail. I wake up and that thermometer goes right into my mouth. Usually after I ovulate my temp stays up at about 98.3 every day until right before my period starts then it dips down to about 97.4. I am on day 24 of my cycle. On day 22 my temp dipped down to 97.9 (which is below the coverline) and then spiked back up to 98.4 and today it was 98.5. Not quite sure why it's being so erratic, but it's driving me nuts!

yes! yes! yes!

In the midst of this progesterone madness I've lost 3.6 pounds! I'm trying so hard to stay away from the things that trigger me to eat more than I should and tracking my food intake like crazy! It's paying off finally and I feel good. Even though I'm still over the weight I would like to be, it's better than it was last week!

like old times

Today was a day like old times... I didn't have the kids today so Owen and I slept in. We ate breakfast and headed to the gym. After the gym we did some much needed grocery shopping and took our sweet time. It was really nice to not be on a set schedule and worrying how much time I had before I had to pick up a kid from school. I miss these days... just me and Owen. I got a killer work out in (which sucks cause this stupid progesterone will make it so I don't even see the effects of the workouts ugh!) and I relaxed while Owen took a nap. 3 years ago, we lived in a teeny apartment in Bonney Lake, I consider this our first place. We were blessed greatly with a free place to live until Owen was 7 months old, but with us being "grown ups" and finding this place and paying for it all on our own, it really felt like our first home. Anyways, we did fine financially and I didn't have to watch kids to make due. Owen and I went to the gym 4 days a week and my house was always clean! I miss it... sometimes I wish we would've stayed in that little place so I could still be at home with just my little man...

extra income

I've been trying my hardest to try to help our family out financially. I watch my friends 2 kids which brings in some money, but I'm not making as much as I did last year watching them. Plus, we're paying for Owen's preschool now. On Monday's I work at Baydo dong a little title work, which will bring in more money. Now, this will work for a while... but mid June, I will be without the extra kids... yep, mom is a teacher. So for 2 1/2 months we barely make due. I've dabbled in sewing, but lack the confidence to actually try making more things. I can't take pictures and I am not crafty enough to make things to sell on Etsy. My mom suggested I do party planning, but I wonder if there is even a market for something like that in this economy. It is something I would love to do... we will see. I'm going to be praying about it because I really don't want to be broke this summer.

what I don't get...

You see... I got rid of all my baby stuff. The only things I have are a crib and changing table, mainly to have a place for one of the kids to sleep (and my mom would kill me if I got rid of it!). When and if I have another baby, I'm not going to make anyone replace my baby stuff. I'm not going to have a huge baby shower and register for a butt load of stuff that I chose to sell. Why is that someone else's problem?? I feel like people who have kids fairly close in age and replace all of their stuff that is in good condition and could be used for another child are kinda being greedy. I mean, if I have to get all that stuff that I sold back, I will buy used most likely. I just don't see why people feel they HAVE to have all new for another baby... blows my mind.

ugh

I'm going to have to start taking my progesterone by this weekend. I'm not looking forward to it AT ALL! I have soreness in my breasts today, which surprises me. I never get that when I'm not on progesterone. I wonder if my body is starting to produce what it needs to at the right time of the month... wouldn't that be amazing!

last day

Oh ya... It's my last day of eating how I've been eating. I have usually put off eating well because we're always trying to get pregnant. I need to just take charge of my body and my eating habits. I did so well in Hawaii because I didn't have the idea that I might get pregnant hanging over my head. I just went shopping and got all the stuff I loved to eat while in Hawaii so that I can get back into that routine. I don't care if I lose a few pounds then gain it cause I get pregnant, better than starting off where I'm at. Gonna try to be disciplined now!

weight a minute!

I've been busting my rear at the gym... working out hard! I mean, I increased my run by a mile and I come out sweating profusely. So, why have I only gained weight?? Oh ya, my little frenemy named Progesterone. She's a nasty lil wretch let me tell you! She holds this whole baby thing over my head and makes me gain weight. I have to take her because if I don't I may have another miscarriage, but if I do take her... she's just mean to my scale ugh. I'd like to break up this "friendship" but I can't. Grrrrr

Phew!

They've all come and gone! Due dates that is... My last due date was before Christmas and it's very nice to not think about which one is coming next. I'm keeping my head up knowing that God is going to give me new hope. Hope to have a baby...

Don't give up

Today I hosted, along with my mom, my cousin's sprinkle. A sprinkle is a party for a second baby (or 3rd etc.) instead of showering the mom to be with gifts we sprinkle her with diapers, wipes and clothes. Since she should have all of the basic stuff for a baby she will just need a little "sprinkling" ;] Anyways, it went so well! So many people made it out and I was really happy with how everything turned out. I am hoping my cousin Tarah posts the photos soon so I can share them! Cindy got a ton of super cute clothes for Miss Payton, who is due next month, and lots of diapers and wipes! I'm so glad we did this for her... she's such a great mom and she deserved to be spoiled for the day.

Cindy and I have an unfortunate connection... she has had a few miscarriages also. She had hers before her son Wyatt and all we blighted ovums. She has been such a sweetheart and has been very supportive to me throughout this whole process. If you had told me that when we got older, she and I would be close I would've just scoffed at you... Thank God for this girl! Her and I got to talking about the miscarriages and I of course started crying (thankfully after everyone was gone!) and she just kept hugging me and telling me to not be discouraged and to not give up... she didn't and now she's on baby #2. I was on the way to giving up completely, and I just can't. I know God wants to give me new hope... new hope for what he will do in my life. I am going to not give up... Thank you to Cindy for just being that silent strength I needed today.

do I throw in the towel?

As I sit here with cramps... (hopefully not tmi) I wonder if having another baby is even meant for me. I know that Owen will be enough for me if that's the case. But, I guess I'm waiting for God to either say "yes" or "no". We've been trying again for 4 months... in our 26 month journey we've gotten nowhere. I've gotten to a point where I don't want to deal with the heartache anymore. I don't want to have the monthly disappointment. It's hard... I'm waiting for God to speak to me and tell me what I need to do.

No Matter What!

BFN

Yep, another one. I saw a dip in my BBT today and I knew that the test would most likely be negative, but took on for the heck of it. I'm getting used to seeing just one line, which in all honesty is easier to handle these days than seeing a positive. It scares me to think I may see two lines... most people would jump for joy. I for one become terrified, but that stems from everything I've been through. The last 4 times I've had a positive test, it's ended in miscarriage. So, as much as I want to be pregnant and have a baby, I'm scared at the same time. Thank God that I've become less emotional with each negative test. I know my time will come... maybe not now, maybe not even in 2011, maybe not until 2016... I just don't know and I've accepted that.

why do I doubt?

I always stress about money and life in general... I have to know by now that God provides and always takes care of us! Once again he came through with just enough money to get bills paid and through to the next week. He's amazing!!! Why do I doubt him???

having a day

I'm super tired... sick and I have 3 kids who won't listen to a word I say today. I just want to quit. Say I'm done and walk upstairs and take a nap, but that's not possible. These darn progesterone pills make me tired, and cranky, so that doesn't help one bit! This isn't exactly where I saw myself... watching other people's kids. I love these kids, but it's not easy sometimes. I miss the days in Hawaii where it was just me and Owen. I got so much done and I could just watch some tv, put on a movie for Owen and have quiet time. The only quiet time I get is nap time. When Owen was a baby my house was spotless! And when I didn't have the kids during Christmas break, I had everything caught up. Ugh, it's just one of those days where everything kinda piles up and I hate life in general lol! Ask me tomorrow and I may be having a blast watching the kids! haha!

New Year

So this new year is well welcomed. I can't say that 2010 was a bad year... I only had one miscarriage (huge drop since 3 in 2009), we were employed the whole year, we are all healthy and for goodness sakes we got to live in HAWAII!!!! I can't say it was a bad year after that ;]

This year I'm looking forward to warmer weather here in WA (it was 15 degress driving home last night!), Owen finishing his first year of preschool, a new niece or nephew and lots of amazing memories with friends and family. I don't have a resolution... I don't want to set myself up for failure and get down on myself for not following through (which I am so good at). The last 2 years I have had a goal of getting pregnant or having a baby that year... I don't want to have that goal simply to not be heart broken at the end of the year. So, instead I'm focusing on what is here now... my husband, son, friends and family. Happy New Year everyone!!!